Archive | August 2015

This day

I always know I am blessed but I don’t always feel blessed. Today I do. I am grateful for dozens of things and thanking God for every single one of them. 

I got to enjoy time at the Ohio State fair with my Mom and a few of her friends today. 

I got to have a meeting with people who care deeply for suicide postvention today. 

I got a surprise gift of fresh, delicious peaches today. 

I got a surprise cake, ice cream and bottle of champagne in celebration of Drey’s life today. 

I got a wonderful text message today. 

I got a loving voice mail today.

I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me every day. 

I love my job as the LOSS Coordinator every day. 

I have 3 stinky, cuddly dogs I get to love on every day.

I have a mom who spoils me and thinks I’m awesome every day.

I get to sneak away for 4 days and hike, read, canoe, swim and sit in a hot tub all by myself.

I have a good God who showers me with these earthly blessings and with infinitely more heavenly blessings. 

Yes, I am ready to start year 4 of this new life.

The isolation of it

As time marches on, the circle of loved ones I can be sad with grows smaller. But thank God You’ve provided a circle.

You weep with me always, God, not just when the calendar says it’s a hard day. 

I’m going dark. 

Sometimes it feels wrong for taking up people’s time with my Drey tears. But Your word says You collect my tears. How blessed I am to have an infinite, powerful creator who is so personal and loving. So attentive to me.

I should’ve left town sooner or at least completed more stuff before today so I could just chill. I have to hold on till Thursday. Just 3 more days then I can go. I was doing ok… Just pluggin along even on August 1 and 2. But now it’s time to rearrange my calendar, lower my expectations of the “to do” list and increase the expectations of the “just be” list. 

I want to be understood. But this sorrow will always be too personal. There are a finite number of descriptive words. And words aren’t experiences. Words aren’t love. Words aren’t feelings. Words are inadequate. So what’s the point? Sometimes it’s easier in silence.

I should’ve gone dark sooner. 

One foot in front of the other. That’s all. I’m learning You are All, slowly. Someday I’ll be home. I can love while I wait.

Thank You for the glimpses of learning how to love people. Thank You for caring for others through me. For prompting me to love by prayer. To love by sitting. To love with silence. I never knew pain. Now I know this pain. Now I know pain is personal, unique and not shareable or comparable. Now I can be comfortable not knowing and not fixing, just sitting and praying.

I’ve never been more sad, more hopeful, more confident or more at peace.

Just breathe.

And after that deep breath… more grateful.