Archive | October 2015

Be grateful for today

Happy celebration with friends! Ed & Sue 20 year anniversary!

Happy celebration with friends! Ed & Sue 20 year anniversary!

I was visiting a friend last week and she shared this picture with me. It was from her and her husbands 20th wedding anniversary.  My immediate reaction was sorrow…

“Oh look – I was so happy.”

I immediately started calculating in my mind how old Drey was when it was taken – cuz that’s the lens life is still viewed through. He was 13.

13. Was I a good mom then? I look stress-free. Is that an indication I was a good mom?

Life was so much easier then. Ed was alive. Drey was alive. We were all so happy to be with our friends celebrating this special renewing of Ed and Sue’s wedding vows. Ed had once again set the standard very high for all the other husbands!

As I look at the picture again this morning I can see it through a different lens… Was I feeling especially grateful when Drey was 13 or was I complaining about his attitude? Was I grateful for all those wonderful friends around me? Was I grateful for Ed? Was I grateful for my job or was I feeling unappreciated – struggling to find “balance” in my life? Did I have any clue how massively different life could look just a handful of years later?

I am moving into an office space today. LOSS has outgrown my dining room. I will take pictures. It’s a big day after all! I can be grateful for today. Grateful for the blessings God has continued to pour out on me. Grateful for my wonderful family, friends and amazing husband. Grateful for the love God has given me for other people. Grateful for our dogs, our wonderful Franklinton home. Grateful for heaven.

I’m sure I was grateful for a variety of things before Drey died. But when I get my focus where it should be I’m certain that gratitude pales in comparison to today’s. I am sad. Nothing can fill the Drey sized hole in my heart on this side of heaven. But I’m also blessed to have been to the school suffering. I will see you again, baby boy. I love you. ❤️

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

OOD Walk 2015

It’s the emotional day again… The AFSP walk day. This day is fun, this day is hard, this day is unifying, this day is hopeful, this day is heavy, this day is exhausting.

LOSS will be there eager to meet new friends and share resources. I will be Mom – not LOSS leader. I will walk quietly with Robbie in remembrance of my son. I will weep and I will smile. I will thank God for my boy and lash out at Him for not saving him from himself. I will silently ask “why, what did I miss, and how was my love not enough to just chose life?” dozens of times. Living without Drey means living with pain. And on this day it’s just best to experience the pain along side fellow survivors. There’s something peaceful and safe about this walk. I am blessed to be part of other survivors lives.  💚💜