Reading last years journaling… it had been just 4 weeks since Drey’s death. My writing was all over the place. I was in physical pain, I was consumed with guilt, I was irritated, and I was aware of God’s presence. I kept a list of when I took medicine because I was always losing track. Excedrin, ibuprofen and a few Rx meds were my constant companions. I could feel the pain deep down into my bones. I didn’t know how to make the ache stop. I thought I was going to die.
I prayed to the Holy Spirit a lot – not just to God. Hold me, comfort me, speak to me. Please. I know You are here with me. Please help me. Please hold me. Please tell me I’m going to be okay. Please tell me I’ll wake up soon. Please tell me it’s not real. Please no it can’t be. Please take me to heaven now. Please – I can’t live like this. I can’t.
In hindsight I can see where people were with me often. I suppose they talked about me being suicidal and wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t know it at the time. I was in a fog. I vacillated between pulling weeds and sobbing uncontrollably. I had no concept of time. I would sit for hours in silence without even realizing so much time had passed. I remember doing the photo boards for Drey’s memorial service. I cut every picture exactly how I wanted it. I placed each one carefully on the board with just the right amount of 2-sided foam tape. I spent hours on them. I didn’t want help – I was disgusted by the idea. This was my baby. This was my job now. I remember one of the first times Robbie made me laugh… he looked at me and said, “you know honey you’re not going to get a grade on your photo boards.” Creating these boards with just the right pictures in just the right location was the most important thing in the world to me for those few days before his memorial service.
I remember experiencing God’s presence, His peace, even in the midst of the pain. My journal captured some of it through my gratefulness… “Thank You, God, for all Your blessings. I am able to be grateful in spite of these circumstances. I know Your Spirit is at work in me. I am humbled beyond words that You love me. I am awestruck at just how big, capable and omniscient You are!” Who has those feelings and can write about them less than a month after their baby was found dead? No mother is capable. Surely it was God at work in me. I was dead to myself. I had nothing to give. On my own I was barely capable of a single cohesive thought. Truly God was carrying me.
Maybe it’s not wise for me to go back and look at my journaling from last year. It’s hard. I have expectations on myself that since it’s been a year I should be able to look at a video of Drey, look at pictures of him that have been stored away, look at cards people sent last year. But I haven’t been able to do any of those things. And maybe the journal is a bit much, too.