I went through the exercise of thinking through and writing out my worldview a few years before Drey died… it was part of a Leadership Core workshop I had taken where we explored what we believed, what our strengths were, and how our beliefs and strengths aligned with how we were actually spending our life. It was a great exercise. Here’s what my worldview was:
I believe God is loving, all knowing, dependable and consistent. I believe I will go to heaven when I died. Not because of who I am or what I’ve done but because of who He is and what He’s done. I value truth, integrity and transparency. Being successful externally comes easily for me. I have several gifts, talents and strengths. I love to organize things, to set up processes and to plan. I love to set goals and accomplish them. Bringing closure makes me feel fulfilled. Being pleased with myself internally is more challenging and requires deliberate ongoing focus. My tendency is to judge myself and others. I want to have a positive impact on those around me – family, friends, coworkers and ministry partners. I am highly dependable.
After spending the past 14 months grieving the death of my pride and joy here is what I believe about the world, about life:
I believe God is perfect and we can know truth, right from wrong, because of him.
I believe God is love, all knowing, dependable and consistent.
I believe God is a perfect judge.
God created us in His image and with free will to choose as we want to choose.
We are sons and daughters of the King if we choose Him, if we choose to acknowledge our inadequacies and need for a perfect savior.
Truly living as sons and daughters of the King must be done in complete dependence on Him. It is an ongoing decision to live in dependence. Not just day by day but minute by minute.
I have a God-given desire for things to be made right.
The ruler of the world we currently live in is Satan – the enemy of God. Therefore nothing works as it was originally designed. Nature, people, relationships, animals, life (death).
The deadliest trick Satan ever plays is convincing us that he does not exist. This keeps us from knowing the real truth and keeps us from loving others with urgency.
We are in the middle of a spiritual war.
God will set things right. Until that time He wants us to fight in the war. We do this by loving others in complete dependence on Him.
When we live apart from dependence on God we do not have the full picture, we do not have accurate knowledge, and we operate out of a sense of need rather than being sacrificially others-focused.
Everyone wakes up every day incapable of any good, Godly, eternal thing apart from the Holy Spirit.
We are born with a need to be known, acceptable, significant and loved.
I believe everyone lives with a “you’re not ____ enough” voice in our minds. This is fear.
I believe when we’re honest with others about our fears we can experience connection, maybe even a little peace.
I believe when we live with integrity, transparency and honesty it can cause other to feel safe to be themselves – to be truly known.
God wants to love us through other people and wants to love other people through us.
Most of our days are filled with inconsequential thoughts, worries and actions. We need God and His work through others to show us what’s important – to keep us focused.
Selflessly loving others (with the knowledge that we are perfectly accepted, known, loved and significant) is the ultimate humbling buzz. When it happens we know full well it did not come from our own power!
Joy and pain can coexist.
Suffering is an opportunity to strengthen our faith. Whether that faith is in ourselves, God or something else is up to us. Suffering is polarizing.
“I don’t know” is powerful. I do not have to have all the answers in order to love someone.
Listening is more important than speaking.
Everyone has a lot to learn.
Why was it important for me to revisit my worldview? Because losing Drey has rocked my world – broken me, shattered me. EVERYTHING has had to be re-visited – especially what I believe about God and life. It’s been helpful in my journey of healing. I’ve dedicated significant mind-time to this which has included writing it out and getting challenging feedback. Writing out my worldview has helped me to truly “own” it. As a result I’ve become more aware of the gaps between what I truly believe vs my actions, choices and thought-life. This is still a work in progress no doubt. But my worldview is deeper and far more real to me now than it was before Drey died.
I am a fighter. I will learn to thrive – not just survive – after this tragedy. It takes time, patience, perseverance. I’m Yours, God.