Breathe

I still have days where all I can do is assess the damage, look at the devastation and ruins around me. Sometimes I’m too tired to get up out of it. Things that used to be effortless for me still take hard work and concentration even after nearly 3 years. Please won’t You take the lead? Can’t You insist on prying the reigns from my hands? Just tell me what to do, where to go, what to think. I don’t want to make anymore decisions. Free will is overrated. I’m tired. I want to rest my mind. A respite. A reprieve. A day where I don’t cradle my head in my hands.

Suicide grief is complicated. Sometimes I wish I could adequately explain it. But that desire for others to understand it is just for my benefit. I can’t help but to wonder if my friends think I’m stuck in my grief. And I can’t have anyone thinking I’m not grieving perfectly can I? Geez – we take pride in the strangest flippin things. And I certainly can’t let anyone know how fulfilling it is to be serving others who are bereaved by suicide either. What would they think of me as a Mom?

I can understand why suicide rates are higher for those bereaved by a suicide loss. It’s complicated. Survivors need each other’s encouragement. It’s so flippin lonely sometimes.

Getting a notification today from FB that Drey Meine had tagged me in a picture was torture. Thanks spammer rayban idiot fucknut. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what I’m in the middle of – I’m thrust unexpectedly into facing this grief head-on. I go from happy and smiling to deep sorrow within seconds.

2 thoughts on “Breathe

  1. You are so right; suicide grief is different. Child grief is also different; put them together and I feel like I am drowning. I understand what you mean about not wanting to make decisions. Some days I wish someone else would just take over my whole life. Prayers of peace and love to you.

  2. Praise God you can serve others bereaved by suicide Praise God you can have some fullfillment, they think you are an AWESOME Mom! A person of great faith, pressing in allowing God to use you and heal you in amazing ways. Actually an example of trusting God, no matter how nasty crapy unbeliveable you feel, what you see, or expericance, you trust he will be with you through it….some way some how. You keep pressing in, going on, allowing and working on amazing things, might be just the amazment of getting out of bed, (or for you actually allowing yourself with out judgement to stay in bed all day, or 2) washing your face, looking in the mirror, or working on, founding the LOSS group, going to a scene, holding a hand, giving hope…..yea, setting an example of an amazing Mom, woman, person LOVED by GOD, filled with the HOLY SPIRIT.

    Thank you for always sharing….I love you….

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