That beautiful smile

I miss Drey very much. I wish I could hold him, smell him, hear his laugh.  I can think about him sometimes now without thinking about how he died. It took 3 years. And I still focus more on his choice to die than on his life but slowly I’m learning to stop asking “why.” I was thinking about the day I took him to get his drivers license earlier today. I remember him walking back in the building after taking the test with a somber look – that lasted 5 seconds tops. He broke into a huge smile – couldn’t help himself! God I’d love to see that beautiful smile.

Today in church we talked about how because of Christ we can approach the throne with confidence… Which got me thinking about Drey. Drey took his life then was immediately in heaven and could approach God with confidence? It’s hard to get my mind around. That God is THAT loving and merciful. Why do I think my sins are forgivable but have a difficult time believing my son was able to approach our Heavenly Father, too? Even after all I’ve been through I still have a shallow understanding of how loving God is and I definitely don’t have an adequate understanding of just how gross my own sins are. To think Drey crossed an unredeemable line and I haven’t is pure pride, arrogance.

I am excited to see my boy again. I often wonder if he’s the first person I’ll see when I get to heaven. I wonder why God hasn’t given me a sign? Why haven’t I had a dream about heaven and seeing Drey there? Sometimes I go to bed with anticipation that tonight may be the night. To wake up after a dream of Drey in heaven would be so amazing! I’ve prayed about it. But no dream. Some people talk about signs they see and experiences they have… Things that reassure them about their loved one being in heaven. I’m pretty cynical. I’m far more likely to chalk something up to coincidence than I am to something spiritual.

Well, maybe tonight will be the night? But if not, it’s ok. Everything’s ok. I’m still alive – and if 3 years ago you would’ve told me I’d still be alive today – I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m a walking miracle.

2 thoughts on “That beautiful smile

  1. I wonder… When we get to heaven, and we truly understand God, and we are very much like Him then… might our love for one another be SO great, that… well, surely some people will still be special to us, but I wonder if our love for everyone will be SO great, that we don’t even have favorites. And maybe what seemed so grave and so important on earth, doesn’t even matter anymore. The colors of God’s heaven might be SO radiant, that what seemed very dark on earth, is no longer dark at all. This hole in our heart won’t just be patched and good as new, but our whole heart, and (thank God!) everyone else’s whole heart will just be completely new. And truly quenched.

    • It’s difficult for our human minds to comprehend. But surely “no more tears” and “no more sin” must mean something like what you’ve described? Heavy sigh… I look forward to this!

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