I love so much about my life. But there’s that one really big thing that I hate. That thing that’s stuck to me. That thing that left a huge hole in my heart. That thing that will never be made right on this side of heaven.

And today… well today I’m just weary. This world has me exhausted. There’s so much hate, division, and darkness. Everywhere I turn there’s pain. My job has me journeying with others at the darkest time of their lives. I’m usually able to do that without becoming emotionally exhausted but when you pile on so much other bullshit that’s going on in this world I’m kinda struggling to keep my head above water.

I’ve had a hard time being consistent in the Word and I know that’s what I need. Trying to do life without dependence on God is pointless. I miss the intimacy and being big time dependent on Him for every breath those first few years of living without Drey. Acute pain and suffering has its benefits.

Maybe the weight of Drey’s 27th birthday is impacting me more than I realize. I was 27 when I had Drey. So him turning 27 is stirring up a lot of thoughts, what ifs, and sorrow. Would he be married? Would I be a grandma? Does anyone besides me still think about him multiple times every single frickin day?

As I sit here crying I consider who I could call that would just listen and not try to fix me. There are so many people I could reach out to! But I don’t want to bother anyone. How’s that self-talk coming along? This just isn’t how I thought life was gonna turn out. Today I’m weary and I just need to roll with it.