Be grateful for today

Happy celebration with friends! Ed & Sue 20 year anniversary!

Happy celebration with friends! Ed & Sue 20 year anniversary!

I was visiting a friend last week and she shared this picture with me. It was from her and her husbands 20th wedding anniversary.  My immediate reaction was sorrow…

“Oh look – I was so happy.”

I immediately started calculating in my mind how old Drey was when it was taken – cuz that’s the lens life is still viewed through. He was 13.

13. Was I a good mom then? I look stress-free. Is that an indication I was a good mom?

Life was so much easier then. Ed was alive. Drey was alive. We were all so happy to be with our friends celebrating this special renewing of Ed and Sue’s wedding vows. Ed had once again set the standard very high for all the other husbands!

As I look at the picture again this morning I can see it through a different lens… Was I feeling especially grateful when Drey was 13 or was I complaining about his attitude? Was I grateful for all those wonderful friends around me? Was I grateful for Ed? Was I grateful for my job or was I feeling unappreciated – struggling to find “balance” in my life? Did I have any clue how massively different life could look just a handful of years later?

I am moving into an office space today. LOSS has outgrown my dining room. I will take pictures. It’s a big day after all! I can be grateful for today. Grateful for the blessings God has continued to pour out on me. Grateful for my wonderful family, friends and amazing husband. Grateful for the love God has given me for other people. Grateful for our dogs, our wonderful Franklinton home. Grateful for heaven.

I’m sure I was grateful for a variety of things before Drey died. But when I get my focus where it should be I’m certain that gratitude pales in comparison to today’s. I am sad. Nothing can fill the Drey sized hole in my heart on this side of heaven. But I’m also blessed to have been to the school suffering. I will see you again, baby boy. I love you. ❤️

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

That beautiful smile

I miss Drey very much. I wish I could hold him, smell him, hear his laugh.  I can think about him sometimes now without thinking about how he died. It took 3 years. And I still focus more on his choice to die than on his life but slowly I’m learning to stop asking “why.” I was thinking about the day I took him to get his drivers license earlier today. I remember him walking back in the building after taking the test with a somber look – that lasted 5 seconds tops. He broke into a huge smile – couldn’t help himself! God I’d love to see that beautiful smile.

Today in church we talked about how because of Christ we can approach the throne with confidence… Which got me thinking about Drey. Drey took his life then was immediately in heaven and could approach God with confidence? It’s hard to get my mind around. That God is THAT loving and merciful. Why do I think my sins are forgivable but have a difficult time believing my son was able to approach our Heavenly Father, too? Even after all I’ve been through I still have a shallow understanding of how loving God is and I definitely don’t have an adequate understanding of just how gross my own sins are. To think Drey crossed an unredeemable line and I haven’t is pure pride, arrogance.

I am excited to see my boy again. I often wonder if he’s the first person I’ll see when I get to heaven. I wonder why God hasn’t given me a sign? Why haven’t I had a dream about heaven and seeing Drey there? Sometimes I go to bed with anticipation that tonight may be the night. To wake up after a dream of Drey in heaven would be so amazing! I’ve prayed about it. But no dream. Some people talk about signs they see and experiences they have… Things that reassure them about their loved one being in heaven. I’m pretty cynical. I’m far more likely to chalk something up to coincidence than I am to something spiritual.

Well, maybe tonight will be the night? But if not, it’s ok. Everything’s ok. I’m still alive – and if 3 years ago you would’ve told me I’d still be alive today – I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m a walking miracle.