These past several days I’ve seen so many pictures and posts about first days of school and moves to college. ‘Tis the season. Time keeps marching on. New memories are being made. It hits me at different times that my memories of Drey have a beginning and an end. There won’t be any new ones.
Robbie is on his way home with David… he started his freshman year this week at Thomas. I want to be happy… I want to hear about his classes, about band. I want to celebrate alongside Robbie these very important milestones in his son’s life. Sometimes I can. This is such a complicated journey for us. David told Robbie a few months ago he didn’t understand why Drey did this. He said him & Drey were just starting to hang out together. He was right. Drey was usually too cool for his stepbrother that was 5 years his junior. But the last year of Drey’s life he was hanging out more with David. I guess the 5 year age gap was more tolerable once David was 13. David reflected on how him & Drey did stuff together while we were on vacation – just a few months before Drey died. Trips to the gas station for candy, the arcade room, swimming. Sometimes I feel guilty for what I’ve done to David… like somehow my baby’s choice was my fault. David didn’t ask for this. He didn’t want to carry this tragedy the rest of his life. None of us did. Staying focused on what I’m responsible for – and not picking up add’l responsibility – has never really been my strength. So I choose to give it back to God. Sometimes daily – and sometimes moment by moment. It’s too heavy for me to carry.