When dealing with a difficult, challenging situation I like to have as much information as possible.
However that’s not how I’ve handled my baby’s death. There are plenty of details available. But some of them are locked away – in someone else’s mind, in an envelope, in Drey’s iPhone sitting safely on his dresser.
It’s humbling to know others know more around my baby’s frame of mind, his actions, in those final hours. As his Mom it’s my job to be the most informed, isn’t it? My ex-husband, my husband, the police. Some friends too. They all know things I don’t know. Have I failed you by not learning every single thing I could, baby? But but but but…
But sometimes guarding my heart is more important than gathering more details.
But Philippians 4:8 says “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
But I AM the most informed about his life. His LIFE.
But I am informed about where he is now.
God, help me to rest in what I know.
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A Friend on the Walk 
All people do things differently after a loved one’s suicide. I’m the kind that researched everything, looked on her facebook, her cell phone, her email, asked all her friends, researched everything I could to try to find out as much as I could because I was driven to do it from somewhere inside. My husband, on the other hand, does none of this and pushes the thoughts out of his mind so he can work and function. Though he loved her as much as I did, we handle it so differently. No way is wrong. The only thing I did not research is her method of suicide. (helium). I looked it up briefly to see what they do when they do this, and got the heck away from that as soon as I could because the thought of it was intolerable. Her method was painless and not violent, but I just could not do any research on it. It makes me sick to think about my baby actually doing this. So I do have my limits. Everyone manages the best way they can.
Your words are so very true! You knew your son’s life and you are remembering the manner in which he lived, not how he died. Phil 4:8 is the verse placed on my daughters memorial. As I face the 2nd anniversary of her tragic death, I will remember your words. Bless you and your efforts to bring comfort…
❤
I think we do this to figure out what we can’t understand. I called every phone number …3 actually, (there weren’t many cause it was a new phone and Brandon had called that morning to give us his new number) on his cell and found out things I probably wish I had not. I had to do it though. I don’t know if my pursuit for the truth will ever be answered on this earth…and in heaven, will I really care? No, I will be too overwhelmed with the beauty of my sweet Savior’s face and my awesome son and other loved ones. Think on this. Life has continued for our children in a realm not that far away.
I don’t think we’ll care about the same stuff in heaven as we do now. Not because it won’t matter – but because we’ll see our amazing Lord. I hope all of us that have lost children can learn to have heaven as our perspective more frequently as we continue what often feels like a very long walk through the rest of life on earth.