Doubts, pain and Trazadone. Journaling from Sept 12, 16, and 17

September 12, 2012:  “… I keep seeing pictures and moments with Drey in my mind.  They won’t stop.  I have no control.  Should I try to make them stop?  They hurt so bad.  I don’t know how to grieve.”

Sept 16, 2012:  “I’m sitting here by myself this evening.  The person who signed up for bringing dinner forgot.  People just go on with their lives.  It hurts.  It hurts that this ache I have is so deep and so real and others just forget.  You alone are my God, my Lord.  The One who will never forget.  My life feels purposeless right now.  Not because my only purpose in life was to be Drey’s Mom but because I’m so sad.  So sad.  Trying to find happiness or fun in the stupid things of this world is so wasteful.  There’s just no point.  All that matters is God.  How can I glorify You in this, Father?  How can I point others to You?  Help me to set my mind on You.  I wish I could know with even more certainty that Drey is with You, Lord.  Thank you, God, for the goal Drey scored at the Senior night soccer game.  Thank You that he prayed before the game.  Thank You for honoring his prayer.  Thank You that he told me he had prayed.  Thank You I was there to see that game.”

September 17, 2012:  “… I wish I didn’t have to take trazadone to sleep.  It makes mornings even harder.  I hurt deep down.  And then I’m foggy on top of that.  It’s a bad combination.  Drey told me he accepted You… he asked You into his heart as a little boy.  You love him perfectly.  I want to believe that he is with you now!  But I fear it’s only wishful thinking.  I have doubts.  I hate my doubts.”

Today:  Hebrews 11 says that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Sometimes it’s hard to have assurance about what we cannot see, about what we do not understand.  Drey told me he had accepted Christ as his Savior.  He confirmed that as recently as June before he died.  What more assurance does a Mom need?  Maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear?  No… that’s not it.  He told me all kinds of things a Mom does NOT want to hear!  We had a special relationship that way.  If he wasn’t sure about being a Christian he would’ve told me that, too.  He tweeted a cool bible verse graduation weekend.  He prayed – and what’s even more cool is that he remembered that he prayed and God played a role – that night at his soccer game.  I see from really old journals where I made comments about him reading his bible and praying for his friends.   So again – what more assurance does a Mom need?  Isn’t that enough evidence of the Holy Spirit’s presence.  But I want more assurance.  I want God to stand before me and tell me He’s got my baby.  It’s not that I think suicide is an unforgivable sin.  It’s that I didn’t know my baby’s heart like God did when he made this decision.  Did he really, really, really, truly mean it? 

God loved my son more than I did.  Verse after verse makes that clear to me.

God please help me in my unbelief.  Help me to trust You.

One thought on “Doubts, pain and Trazadone. Journaling from Sept 12, 16, and 17

  1. It is a cruel and unjustified feeling that we as Christian mothers who raised our sons as believers must come to this doubt. It is normal. One thing I have come to understand…and I believe it is God who has led me to this is: who else is more trusting but a child? My son accepted Christ when he was only seven…ONLY SEVEN….how much does a seven year old know? Not much. They are innocent and trusting and pure of heart. God welcomes them as they trust as only a child will. I have gone through this terrible turmoil that you are going through about not knowing where my son is….but I have shamed myself for this because, like you…I have my son’s prayer journal from a while back when he was going through a bad time with a girlfriend. He prayed even for his enemies. My heart was so touched and I knew God wanted me to have possession of my son’s journal for that reason. It is a long story and if I have not posted it yet I will in the near future. God sends us the peace that passes all understanding about our children. Remember that God does not want any of us to go to Hell. Hell was not made for mankind but for Satan and his followers. Your son had only to ask Jesus to come into his heart and Jesus did. I have so much to share on that subject. If you ever want to contact me about my personal experience, I will be glad to share what may not be on my blog…although, I have posted about the miracles and signs that God has sent me concerning my son’s soul. A mother knows a lot about her children and I think we have a good idea about our children’s hearts although we can hardly know as God does. I know your struggle and I understand this post so very well. It is about spiritual warfare and it is real. Satan wants you to believe the worst and torture you/us every day we are alive so that we cannot turn these tragedies into good for God. It will take encouragement and support from each other but we can do it. God be with you, friend.

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