Today was harder than I was prepared for.
Year 2 in total was not harder for me than year 1 – and I was warned that for some people it is.
But today was harder than last years 8-8.
I guess there’s no need to analyze or dwell on it.
So I cried a lot. So the emotional pain was more sharp. So what? Chill Denise just chill.
Climbing up the stairs to go to bed. Glancing at the pictures of happy times with Drey as I walk down the hallway. I’m so tired.
I can’t help but to wonder if this is as good as it gets. Is my “healing” as complete as it’ll ever be this side of heaven? And now this is my new normal? Do I have the energy to make it through year 3?
Tonight is not the night to think this deeply…
I just miss my boy.
Leave it at that.
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A Friend on the Walk 
Dear Denise: I’m glad the ordeal of the anniversary date is over. It is a terrible day to be endured. It is overwhelming to think of having to endure another year of this pain, but endure it we must. I have always found that two things help me every day:
1. I lower the bar. I don’t expect much in the way of accomplishments from myself.
2. I think short-term. If I think about the entire year that lies ahead, I despair. But if I think only in terms of today, tomorrow and possibly next week, I can survive.
Love and prayers,
Mary Ann
Thank you Mary Ann. I needed to hear these things. This morning feels worse than last night. Just presenting myself today, this morning, to God. And in my presenting being humbly on my knees knowing I don’t have anything to offer him and just as importantly I don’t know what the next moment will hold. He’s got this. He will not be caught off guard. Sometimes it’s so relieving to remember I am but dust.
Oh D, I was thinking….do I dare say, possibly warn….that the day (days) after….may even seem, be worse….in my mind (maybe yours too) the whole thinking about the day is coming….that “date” is almost here, then it’s here….well now it “supposed” to be over, the calls and checking in are less, eveyone is done holding their breath….did we make it through….then it’s the next day….and the cruddy shit feelings, disspear, disbelif, grief…. the terrible nightmare is still there…..I agree with the above both from you and Mary Ann…. I thank you for continueing to share….opening the dialogue for other to share too… to help yourself and others too…..thank you… I love you, you mean the world to me and I am grateful for you…
I assumed the 2 year “annv” would be less difficult than the 1 year. It’s been harder. I’m still very sad even this morning. The aftermath wasn’t this bad last year.
My thinking is skewed… I’m stuck in a funk of questioning every single thing I said and did. Searching desperately to relieve my conscience. I loved him so much but I can’t stop thinking it wasn’t enough or he wouldn’t have chose this. I know I wasn’t a perfect parent but I thought what I gave him was still enough to choose life. My friend reminded me (again! Because it hasn’t sunk in yet!) that God IS our perfect parent. He loves us perfectly. And yet we rebel against Him all the time. We don’t feel like even His love is enough. If His perfect love is usually not enough for me why would I think my imperfect love would be enough for Drey? I don’t know… I try to use logic and talk myself through why my feelings of blame aren’t healthy but I’m still stuck. I continue to pray.