I’ve overextended myself.
I’ve reached my saturation point.
I didn’t realize it until I showed up at Taco Bell when I should’ve been at the school. Until I scheduled the LOSS display to be in 2 places at the same time for this weekend. Until I showed up at an appt that had been cancelled. And even after being reminded it had been moved to a different day and seeing where I updated my calendar still not remembering ever making that change.
Before Drey died I would get overwhelmed – but less often. Big time less often. And I cannot remember a time when I sat through an entire green light in my own little world. Nor did I make calendar mistakes. Nope. “Overwhelmed” would look like pissy, irritable, over-functioning; not confusion and forgetfulness. My capacity has been significantly altered post 8.8.12.
It scares the shit out of me. How completely confused I can get. Even when I haven’t overdone it. My pride has taken a healthy beating these past 3 years.
I’m learning to say “no” to requests. But it doesn’t come naturally. More often than not I’m still pushing myself to get through “just this one more thing then you’ll be able to relax.” It’s not right. I’m carrying responsibility, tasks, goals, whatever – that God never intended for me to carry. I need my quiet time every morning. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity. My day is better – and I’m better for everyone around me – if I go slower. And ultimately that’s a blessing in spite of what my pride screams.
Yes, my capacity has changed considerably. My capacity to accomplish stuff but also my capacity to empathize, to love, to be patient, to be silent.
I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable in this new skin?