Capacity changes post 8.8.12

I’ve overextended myself. 

I’ve reached my saturation point. 

I didn’t realize it until I showed up at Taco Bell when I should’ve been at the school. Until I scheduled the LOSS display to be in 2 places at the same time for this weekend. Until I showed up at an appt that had been cancelled. And even after being reminded it had been moved to a different day and seeing where I updated my calendar still not remembering ever making that change.

Before Drey died I would get overwhelmed – but less often. Big time less often. And I cannot remember a time when I sat through an entire green light in my own little world. Nor did I make calendar mistakes. Nope. “Overwhelmed” would look like pissy, irritable, over-functioning; not confusion and forgetfulness. My capacity has been significantly altered post 8.8.12.

It scares the shit out of me. How completely confused I can get. Even when I haven’t overdone it. My pride has taken a healthy beating these past 3 years. 

I’m learning to say “no” to requests. But it doesn’t come naturally. More often than not I’m still pushing myself to get through “just this one more thing then you’ll be able to relax.” It’s not right. I’m carrying responsibility, tasks, goals, whatever – that God never intended for me to carry. I need my quiet time every morning. It’s not a luxury. It’s a necessity. My day is better – and I’m better for everyone around me – if I go slower. And ultimately that’s a blessing in spite of what my pride screams.

Yes, my capacity has changed considerably. My capacity to accomplish stuff but also my capacity to empathize, to love, to be patient, to be silent.

I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable in this new skin?

5 thoughts on “Capacity changes post 8.8.12

  1. Oh, Denise. Please be careful to protect yourself. Just like you, in the corporate world, I could work 12 hours a day, bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. Go, go, go. +100 things to do on my To Do list, handled unbelievable work loads with skill and grace.

    The loss of my Murray and your Drey has changed us in fundamental ways we could never have anticipated. We’re still powerful women with great ideas and great execution–the only trouble is, we can’t remember things, we step on landmines and get sucked dry of energy and still have the ideas but the execution? not so much. not so easy.

    My unsolicited advise (I know, I know, the worst kind there is) is to slow it down, forgive yourself for any mistakes you make, and let others be responsible for the details. Your LOSS program is incredible, but don’t let it drain you of all of your energy. Let others do the execution while you sit in your hot tub formulating the next great idea!

    Love and best regards,
    Mary Ann

  2. wow… you never cease to amaze me with your raw truth….your sharing is such a blessing to me and i thank you and love you so much…..i pray for your peace and comfort in this “new skin”…. xxx ooo

  3. I am finding that I constantly need reminded that this life is a preparation for the next. I can’t make sense of this life if I don’t have a mind set on the future life to come. We are not going to be able to do the good things in this life (and do them well) if we are not taking time to spend time getting renewed by God’s truths and promises of our future with Him in Heaven. It is hard to get a balance between taking time to be quiet and reacting to everything around us. Thanks for sharing your insights, Denise!

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