One of the hardest things on my mind right now is that the closer I get to God, the more I long to share what I’m learning with Robbie. I deeply miss having a Godly husband who loved the Word, was my best friend, and who journeyed alongside of me not just in those roles but also as my brother in Christ.

Suffering draws me to God. I’m sure many people have experienced that. All I learned about God in the first decade+ after Drey’s death I was able to share with Robbie. We talked about deep things. And sometimes we didn’t say a word. I have close friends I shared with too, and still do. But there’s just something different about the precious sharing of this intimate journey that takes place between a husband and wife who put Jesus first in their relationship.

I miss that deeply. And I’m feeling unsettled – even fearful – that I may live the next 20+ years without that companionship. But what if I meet someone and get hurt? What if it’s a wonderful relationship and we get married but he dies before me? Maybe having that depth of intimate companionship would be worth risking getting hurt or suffering another loss? That is a big statement for me! It is perhaps a transition away from being self-protective to guarding my heart. It feels healthy.

But God… what would NOT be worth it is sacrificing – intentionally or more likely unintentionally – the depth of intimacy I’m enjoying with You. I would rather spend the rest of my life without a a husband – even a Godly husband – if it meant I was giving up the depth of relationship with You. It is for You to decide if I’m most useful for kingdom works alone or with a partner. I trust You. Now can I mean it? Help me in my unbelief especially when I’m feeling lonely!

You are with me always. You know everything across time about every detail. You delight in my dependence on You, on Your wisdom. You are not bothered, irritated, or put off by me. You don’t consider me “high maintenance.” You don’t grow weary of my sorrow, my fearfulness, my loneliness, my unbelief, my hurts, or my confusion. None of it.

You know my heart better than I do. Any good works I do are from You. And You willingly give them! You know how I will worship You when I see You after I die. Everything. Every Single Thing is in Your hands. You know the deepest desires of my heart… not just the ones on the surface that I’m aware of.

How do I hold this knowledge of Your magnificence in my mind and embrace it as the backdrop, the very foundation of all my thinking?! It’s too holy for me to understand. I want to live in line with this knowledge. This is not heaven…. I can’t expect to align my thoughts perfectly with Yours. But by Your grace, love, and power I can try.

Phil 1:6 And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Your Kingdom Come!