One of the hardest things on my mind right now is that the closer I get to God, the more I long to share what I’m learning with Robbie. I deeply miss having a Godly husband who loved the Word, was my best friend, and who journeyed alongside of me not just in those roles but also as my brother in Christ.

Suffering draws me to God. I’m sure many people have experienced that. All I learned about God in the first decade+ after Drey’s death I was able to share with Robbie. We talked about deep things. And sometimes we didn’t say a word. I have close friends I shared with too, and still do. But there’s just something different about the precious sharing of this intimate journey that takes place between a husband and wife who put Jesus first in their relationship.

I miss that deeply. And I’m feeling unsettled – even fearful – that I may live the next 20+ years without that companionship. But what if I meet someone and get hurt? What if it’s a wonderful relationship and we get married but he dies before me? Maybe having that depth of intimate companionship would be worth risking getting hurt or suffering another loss? That is a big statement for me! It is perhaps a transition away from being self-protective to guarding my heart. It feels healthy.

But God… what would NOT be worth it is sacrificing – intentionally or more likely unintentionally – the depth of intimacy I’m enjoying with You. I would rather spend the rest of my life without a a husband – even a Godly husband – if it meant I was giving up the depth of relationship with You. It is for You to decide if I’m most useful for kingdom works alone or with a partner. I trust You. Now can I mean it? Help me in my unbelief especially when I’m feeling lonely!