christmas 4

Another Christmas behind me. 4th one. It wasn’t as hard this year. I’m grateful I am able to carry on so to speak. I make plans, think ahead. I lived minute to minute for a very long time after Drey died. So being capable of planning and following through is another outward sign of God strengthening me.

But as the day is nearly over and I’m alone with my thoughts it once again hits me that I didn’t see Drey for yet another Christmas. He wasn’t here. He’ll never be here.  I remember the first Christmas and driving home from my parents saying, “The day is almost over and I haven’t seen Drey.” Three years later I still have that feeling at the end of Christmas Day. “Wait, this can’t be right. I didn’t see Drey. He’s really dead, isn’t he? He really did this, didn’t he? How am I still alive?”

I don’t even know how I feel about it anymore. The grief waves still roll in but I don’t let myself think about it for too long. I still get knots in my tummy. Maybe I’d feel better if I’d do something in Drey’s memory on Christmas. Light a candle for the day? Set aside time to share memories of him? Give a family in need gifts Christmas morning? I don’t know. I want to talk about him but worry no one wants to listen. I guess I’m still learning how Drey fits into our family now. I’m fearful no one feels a need to find the proper spot for him except for me. And that makes me feel very alone.

4 thoughts on “christmas 4

  1. Denise, that feeling of longing and absence will always be there for me
    Maybe you could join us next year for the compassionate Friends Candlelighting. I feel the presence of Murray’s soul at this powerful event. Let me know if you would like information about it.

  2. Denise…I think that’s a terrific idea, to set aside time to honor him and include him. You are and will always be his mom. Happy new year to you, you are an inspiration.

  3. Denise it’s not been quite 4 months that Lisa has been gone, and I’m starting to worry that people will tire of me wanting to talk about her and my sorrow with her being gone. I definitely could not have survived her passing without the help of my Lord, and I have been truly blessed with the opportunity to raise her children for her. They have really helped me hold it together when I didn’t think I could. I think about you often and pray for you as well.

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