I’m back in Arizona for the week. Blessed and grateful to be able to take these classes. Nice to get away from Ohio… just unplug. Still surreal – this direction life has taken. Never in a million years could I have imagined it.
Walking through the airport I see young men in their 20’s and think of you. I see a young lady I’m sure you would’ve noticed. I see an older woman with her adult son helping her walk. Thoughts of what should’ve been are flooding my mind. I’m breathing you again. I’ve come so far in learning how to live this new life… but you’re always here in my mind, in my heart. And some days I still just ache. I’ve held it in for a while without even realizing it. But now that I’m here and alone with my thoughts the tears flow freely.
Sitting on the shuttle bus I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window. Who is that woman looking back at me? It can’t possibly be me, can it? You didn’t really do this, did you? How am I still alive?
God, I pray for rest. I pray for clarity of mind and a supernatural ability to take my thoughts captive to the obedience of your son. Those thoughts. Those horrible thoughts. I praise you for keeping me alive. And I yell at you for keeping me alive. Sometimes it changes from minute to minute. I take great comfort in knowing you’re grateful to be talking with me regardless of my mood. Protect my mind from nightmares. And while I’m on the topic… how about you give me a nice dream of Drey? You know, one that doesn’t make me want to vomit when I wake up? I’m afraid to ask for a good dream. I’m more afraid to ask for a sign that Drey is happy, safe and loved with you. Because when it doesn’t get answered I worry it’s because he’s not with you. Forgive my fearful attitude. Change my heart towards you when I’m full of doubt. God I’m asking now. Help me trust you regardless of the outcome. Thank you that I can sleep. I am so grateful for rest. Tell Drey I love him.
Denise, When I read your postings, I wish Drey could reach out, give you a hug and take away the pain in your heart and soul. Suicide is never meant to hurt those they love and leave behind, but it sure does! I remember the Denise with a great smile and wonderful laugh, from your days at Cheryl’s and hope you will give yourself permission to be that happy again….you are a beautiful person that deserves to enjoy every aspect of every day of your time on Earth – it’s your life!. Trust God to shepard Drey, and believe you will be together again someday. I am sending you my prayers, a smile and a day filled sunshine, to get you started on your own happy day, followed by a happy week, month and more – my friend! Trust God and let go, he’s got it covered…sow your happiness seeds.
Thank you for your very encouraging words, Susan. Thankfully I still have happiness and joy in my life – but it looks way different from before.
The sun is shining today in Columbus. It does indeed make me smile 🙂