Is this specific to suicide grief? Losing a kid grief? Or just grief grief? Who knows. I guess it doesn’t matter. I never imagined I’d eventually reach a point when I’d have to deliberately make myself cry.

The tears don’t flow as easily now but I always feel better after a good cry so I make myself cry sometimes. It’s not like it takes much. Just looking at a picture and remembering you saying “hey mom” is enough.

I go weeks at a time now without tears. But you’re still always on my mind. Sometimes front and center and other times you’re in the background. But you’re always there somewhere.

What’s the view like from there baby?

The view from here is hopeful, peaceful, with a large dose of melancholy. I’m not as goofy and carefree as often as I was when you were here. But there’s a peace that I feel deep in my soul knowing I’ll see you and even more importantly I’ll see Jesus someday. An eternity full of glory and beauty. No more tears, no pain.

What will we do when I get there? Will I see you right away when I get there? Are you planting a beautiful garden with all my favorite flowers? I mean, you can do that and worship God at the same time, right? Are you decorating a room for me? Are angels helping you decorate? Are you spending time with Grandma Helen and Grandma and Grandpa Meine? Have you met any of my new friend’s loved ones? Are you joyful beyond words? Are Pierre, Rudy, and Putzel with you? Do you laugh? Do you dance? I can’t help but to smile as I look forward to seeing you again baby.