Tag Archive | Matthew 5:4

What I’ll say – if speaking is even possible – when I see God

Thank You God that it’s over!
Thank You for dying for me.
Thank You for conquering death for me.
I tried to stay in the fight after Drey died.
I tried to do that in dependence on You.
My motives were almost always selfish but I didn’t let that stop me from sharing You – sometimes.
I wanted to be a blessing to those who mourn.
I feebly tried not to be angry with You.
I made pitiful attempts to refrain from believing You owed me something since You took Drey.
I tried not to be bitter when everyone moved on with their life.
I wanted to enjoy and selflessly love who was left in my life.
I tried to strip off the filmy residue of grief that coated everything.
On occasion I won the minute by minute battle and chose Spirit over flesh – because of You.
I had no success apart from You.
I did nothing good apart from You.
Thank You God. Thank You!
I can’t believe You love me.
Amazing grace.

Still grieving the loss of my son to suicide

Grief is not a process. There isn’t an end. It evolves. It’s shape, size, weight and density continually change. I don’t know if it’s like that for every death or for every person. My grandma died several years ago. We were close. My best childhood friend’s Mom was killed several years ago. We weren’t close but it was hard seeing my friend hurt so deeply. But I was quite clueless as to the depths of true pain until Drey died.

It’s still hard to type that… “Drey died.” Will I ever get used to saying that? Will it ever truly sink in?

How has my grief changed over the past 18 months?

In the beginning I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep (without sleeping pills), I cried every day, I prayed non-stop about everything. Everything. I read books about suicide, grief, and heaven. I couldn’t drive faster than 55 (I drove 100 mph trying to get to Drey after I got the call that Wednesday morning. So after that driving fast sent me immediately back to those long, desperate minutes of driving to my son in hopes he was still alive). I was damn angry at a handful of people that weren’t supporting me “the right way.” I couldn’t answer the phone. I shook so badly that I couldn’t shave my legs. I had a non-stop headache for 5 months that Excedrin couldn’t touch. I didn’t care about anyone’s grief or pain except mine and Drey’s Dads. I couldn’t put up a Christmas tree. Every “first” resulted in my heart racing, shallow, fast breathing and rubbing my leg non-stop (weird right?). The first dentist appt, the first time I heard a certain song, the first time driving past the high school. Every first. I thought I was going to die. It was the heaviest, darkest pain I had ever felt.

But somehow I’ve lived just over 18 months without Drey. Wow. “Without Drey.” That’s hard to type too.

I’ve gained back 10 of the 22 pounds lost. I sleep now – not like I did before Drey died but it’s definitely better than the first several months. I can drive 75 mph without melting down. My headaches are less frequent. I don’t depend on God for every single step and breath ūüė¶ I read books about suicide, grief, heaven and recently squeezed in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. I still get angry with people sometimes… But I’ve learned to forbear more. I cry off and on. I ache but it’s more tolerable… Sometimes it’s more of a flat, blah, numbness that dominates – not the heavy, dark pain. I talk about Drey often. Sometimes I answer the phone. The Ladies Bic is back in use. I genuinely care how other people are coping. I still didn’t put up a Christmas tree… Maybe 2014? We’ll see.

So the grief remains – it’s shape, size, weight and density has just evolved. Am I “grieving right?” Is my timetable in line with what it “should” be? I had to let go of trying to answer those questions. I had to let go of others expectations of my grief. Most importantly I’m learning to let go of my own expectations of my grief. “Surely 6 months from now I should be able to…” type of thinking has set me up for disappointment in myself again and again. God help me to let that shit go!

Matthew 5:4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

How do I pray?

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the number of people I’ve met through a suicide loss that I shut down and don’t know how to pray for them at all.¬†¬† I knew maybe¬†3 or 4¬†people as of¬†August.¬† But now just 3 months later I’ve met dozens, dozens.¬†

1 Thes 5: 16-18¬† “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God‚Äôs will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”

I am thankful for how You’ve been softening my heart, God.¬† I am thankful for how You’ve shown me it’s far better to live¬†by Your priorities than what mine were.¬† So maybe that’s what you mean by being thankful in all circumstances.¬† Your word doesn’t say to be thankful FOR the circumstance… but¬†IN the circumstance.¬†¬†Yes, thank You for pointing that out to me!¬† Yes!

vs 17… “Never stop praying.”¬† I talk to¬†You all day throughout the day.¬† My problem in this season isn’t prayer in the broad sense of the word – it’s that¬†I don’t¬†shut up long enough to hear You.¬† Praying is communication.¬† Communication is talking and listening.¬† ¬†

How do I pray for so many people?¬† People I’ve met just a handful of times?¬† People with unique circumstances, painful losses.¬† I picture their faces.¬† I picture them in the setting where I met them.¬† Their tears.¬† Their anger.¬† Their guilt and confusion.¬†¬†The look of shock on their faces.¬† There’s no making sense of life now.

Rom 8:26 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

Matt 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”¬† God help them grieve.¬† Bless them as they mourn.¬† Comfort them.¬† ¬†Help them do the “next thing” whatever that may be.¬† Reach out to someone else who’s hurting, get out of bed, draw closer to You, take a breath.¬† Whatever the “next thing” is.¬†¬†I pray these things for each person.¬† Thank You for loving them far more than I ever could and for meeting them exactly where they are.¬† Thank You for knowing exactly what they need, Father.¬†

S who lost her son 10 years ago. C who lost her husband last month. R&N who lost their son 6 years ago. ¬†M&J who lost their son 4¬†years ago. ¬†D who lost her boyfriend last year. ¬†W who lost both her mom and her husband. ¬†M and M who both¬†lost people close to them . M&G who lost their son. V who lost her sister. R who lost her son. V who lost her husband and for her two small children.¬† J who lost her husband last year. ¬†The older couple who just lost their son.¬† A who lost her friend 3 years ago . D&J who just lost their brother. ¬†L who just lost her husband.¬† The entire M family – especially S, Dad and husband who lost their dear daughter and wife K just last weekend.¬† J&R who lost J 6 years ago.¬† B who I will meet tomorrow and her 2 kids – they just lost husband/dad 6 weeks ago.¬† D&S and D’s family as they mourn the one year loss of D.¬† K as she continues grieving for her Super N.¬† MA for the loss of Ski. ¬†B for loss of his father 20+ years ago.¬† Thank you for his servant heart towards helping others learn to live again.¬† For J and the loss of her daughter just 30 months ago.¬† C who lost her Mom years ago.¬† MBSS blogger.¬† And I pray for Fred, Robbie, David, Kris, my parents and Fred’s parents, Drey’s dear friends… Jeritt, Jayson, Austin, Robby, Max, Ryan, Alli, Morgan, Bethaney, Cary, Jenna, Kevin, Britney, Molly,¬†Alec, Ben, Addie, Peiman, Ian, Josh, Grace, Gabe, Victoria¬†and so many more. ¬†Thank You for knowing everyone I’ve neglected to pray specifically for on this chilly Tuesday morning, Father.¬† ¬†Thank You for the crisp white snow that blankets my patio.¬† Thank You for filling me up yet again with Your love, peace and compassion.¬† Truly those who mourn are blessed and comforted.