I’m all over the place with my thoughts and emotions today. I hate this. From peace and excitement to dread and anger. It’s painful. It’s confusing.
I got to baptize someone this morning… what a wonderful honor and privilege to be part of Debbi’s life as she learns more about God. So it was an emotional morning… listening to people’s testimonies is always so amazing. But like so many things it’s different now… Now I listen to a 20 something year old’s testimony through a different lens. He wore shoes like Drey. He was a few years older than Drey. He was built like Drey. He’d gotten into some of the same trouble Drey had got into. But this young man chose a different path from Drey. And he was standing there right before my eyes thanking his parents for always being there for him – and they baptized him. My heart was heavy with grief as I quietly wept and announced silently in my mind that I sacrificed so much to YOU GOD! I’ve given up so much. I won’t get to baptize Drey. I don’t even get to see him. Period. And I feel the anger swell up and it’s directed at YOU. YOU allowed this to happen. Damn it. There aren’t words.
When I’m triggered like this and these feeling show up I can’t always tuck them neatly away. God has brought me so far in learning how to handle Drey’s death, his suicide. So, so far. I mean, it’s not like I go for hours without thinking of Drey. He is on my mind regularly. So I’m triggered a lot but can fairly often stay “in check” and in the moment without spiraling.
I continued on with interacting with people throughout the morning… so many happy people. Sometimes I’m happy. But when I’m not it’s REALLY HARD when others are. I was irritable, hurt, sad, lonely and mostly angry with myself for not being able to be happy. No one can possibly understand the depths of this pain. This wasn’t just a normal death – if there even is such as thing. Why do I feel I must defend myself? Explain myself? Yea – I’m sad. My life has been shattered and I’m still figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other. Why can’t I just give myself some slack and rest in knowing I don’t have to have the answers. I don’t have 100% control of when the despair portion of this grief wants to resurface. I’m still learning how to walk this out. It is what it is. And I try to tell myself I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
My son is dead. My son took his life. Jesus God I don’t know how I got here.