The blame game

I am still at the beginning of my new life without Drey – my 19 year old son who took his life 16 months ago. In these short 16 months I have wrestled with God and for the most part clung to Him. And (not but) there’s a subtle, quiet undertone that creeps up making me realize how fragile my faith is.
Just a few days again my husband and I were at the downtown Columbus Christmas lighting celebration. It’s amazing I even wanted to attend! We were freezing our butts off standing in the hot chocolate line when a bundled up little boy with glasses turned and looked up at me. My immediate thought was, “Why are you mocking me God? You know it’s a big deal that I even wanted to come out tonight and this is what you allow? You know little boys in glasses are a huge trigger for me! Why would you, God?” In my rawest most impromptu moments I still blame God for my baby’s death. It’s my default setting. And I can’t help but wonder what other ways is my unbelief popping out and I’m too numb to see it?

But I won’t beat myself up for my seemingly pitiful faith. I will return again to God and praise Him for having shoulders big enough, patient enough, merciful enough and loving enough for my doubts.

I pray someday my knee jerk reaction will be to blame satan and this fallen world – not my holy perfect Father.

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4 thoughts on “The blame game

  1. I know how you feel about blaming God. I think he understands. So many people can lean towards their faith in such a time, for many of us also though, it is tested to the core. I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. When I see a little girl in glasses, especially if they have blonde hair, it’s torment and a feel good moment all at once. There are no rules to this is there?

  2. There are so many things that will bring to mind the memories of our children at all stages of their lives. I, too, have blamed God only because He is who I prayed to for the safe keeping of my children and family. WHY??? But like you, I have a hard time blaming the real culprit…Satan.

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