This morning I was able to look at the journal I had been writing in before everything came crashing in on Aug 8, 2012. Drey was constantly on my mind. I was worried, fearful, and missing him. I hear it as I read through my words. I sounded desperate. I remember feeling desperate. I was crying out to You, God. Praying for Drey repeatedly. Where were you on August 8th, God? I don’t understand.
The week following Drey’s graduation Robbie said, “honey – you are walking around here like you just came from his funeral rather than his graduation.” I’ll never ever forget those words. Just 10 weeks later Drey would be gone.
Robbie was right. I was adjusting horribly to not living with my son and to him transitioning into adulthood. I was trying to let go of my idol – my everything. That’s what Drey had become over the years.
Here is some of my journaling in the 11 weeks prior to the tragedy…
Whatever Drey does may he work at it with all his heart as working for You, Lord, and not for the approval or attention of his parents or friends.
May 20, 2012: Drey graduates in a week, God. Please guide his decisions. Please convict him of his need to pursue You and Your input. Save him from foolish decisions and give me peace that You love him far more than I do. You promise You’ll never leave him or forsake him.
Hebrews 13:5 “Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have for He has said I will never leave you or forsake you.”
May 22, 2012: Dear Lord thank you for the unexpected visit from my boy. I love him so much! You know I don’t want him to be put in harms way so his desire to pursue the military worries me. I want Your will for him, Lord. You know how much I love him, God.
May 27, 2012: God I pray for Drey’s heart – that it would stay soft towards You. I pray for his eyes that he’d seek You and not worldly things. I pray for his ears – that he’d grow weary of temporary praise and would crave instead delighting in You. God I love him so much. I want him to be safe emotionally, physically and spiritually. Please help me to trust you with Drey.
May 28, 2012: Lord father please be ministering to Drey giving him wisdom beyond his years. Wisdom from You. Please bind Satan from Drey. Please show him Your love for him.
May 29, 2012: Dear God I give you Drey. I ask You to guide his decisions, to love him, to care for him. Please give him ears to hear from You. Psalm 37:23,24 “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall for the Lord holds them by the hand.” I want to trust Drey with you, Lord. I know I am so inadequate but sometimes I doubt Your goodness and I am so so sorry for that. You gave Your son for Drey, for me.
May 29 PM: I’m feeling better this evening. I saw Drey, that helped.
May 31, 2012: God, I am grateful for Drey’s new job. Thank You. Please keep pursuing him. I want him to be a man who loves You.
June 3, 2012: God thank You for helping me relax today. You know I am worried about Drey. I pray he pursues You. I pray he can stand firm against lies, against distractions. Help him to see that You are the only true answer.
June 5, 2012: Dear God I am feeling so afraid. I know my anxiety is wrong. You are perfect. You can comfort me. Nothing can happen to me, Drey, or anyone without Your awareness but somehow I fear You are unhappy with me and You’re going to allow something bad to happen because I’ve made You unhappy. I know this thinking is wrong. Help me to KNOW it’s wrong. Help me to BELIEVE it’s wrong.
June 12, 2012: Dear Lord I continue to be anxious. Always anxious. I pray. I try to take my thoughts captive. I read Your Word. But here I am again and again. Dear God please guard my mind especially with regards to worrying about Drey.
June 14, 2012: Dear Lord I find myself searching. I’m desperately searching for what You are trying to say to me. I look at little coincidences and I wonder if they are signs from You and I start to ponder their possible meaning. God when will I hear from you? You’re not a God of confusion that is keeping me guessing. You are clear, consistent. You are loving, holy, truthful and You’re merciful.
June 20, 2012: Dear Lord I’m feeling very crushed in spirit and under a huge pile of lies only I’m not sure what’s a lie or what’s the truth. I’m missing Drey, Lord. I worry about his choices. I miss him so much. I just want to stay in bed until this season is over.
July 16, 2012: Just because I haven’t journaled in a few weeks doesn’t mean you aren’t on my mind, Drey. God please protect my baby. It’s hard that I don’t see him as much. I know now that he’s an adult and I’m trying to trust You, God.
July 20, 2012 my last journal before Drey took his life: I don’t want Drey to hurt or experience pain. I want to protect him. I know that’s not always possible. You love us perfectly and we reject You all the time. Your perfect son who never rejected You died for us. You poured out Your wrath on Him. How hard that must have been. I simply can’t fathom it. God please help me to trust You with Drey and with all my circumstances. Help me to draw close to You. Please comfort me Holy Spirit. I hurt. I’m confused. I’m fearful. Please comfort me.
A Friend on the Walk 
I understand. Ever since the birth of my first daughter and into the birth of my second daughter Kaitlyn, I prayed several times a day to keep them safe, healthy and happyand to let them make good decisions. I don’t pray those prayers anymore and wonder why they didn’t work. I ask my mother this question and she says that God did not make this happen to Kaitlyn but allowed it to happen because people have free will. I then asked her what the point of praying is then? I still wonder. I know you do too. I am so sorry.
I often wrestle with understanding the purpose in prayer. I definitely agree with what your Mom said… I firmly believe based on what I know according to the bible that God did not cause our kids to die. I believe He grieves infinitely for them, for us. But free will sometimes means letting horrible things happen. It’s not very comforting for me to type those words. It doesn’t take away any of the pain.
I am slowly learning to pray more frequently for the “First Thing” as Larry Crabb calls it in his book The PAPA Prayer. The First Thing is all about our relationship with God. Knowing Him, delighting in Him and in knowing we have eternity because of His Son. Praying for our health, our kids, our friends is awesome but is second to our relationship with the God of the universe. I pray God would continue to strengthen me -in Him – for whatever happens and for His love for me to overflow towards other people. Sounds cheesy, I know. And honestly I suck at being able to keep my focus there. So I have many interactions with God that consist of me questioning Him. And even in my times of downright rage at Him He’s still found ways to honor my attempt at continuing to communicate with Him. I wish I could explain it better than I’ve attempted to here!
Your post emphasizes to me the very concerns that I have had and on some days still do.. are very natural for we who are praying moms. The only way I have come to understand God at all in this matter of loss from suicide is that God allowed my son to finally come home to Him after living in such emotional turmoil. One of the first things that I did when I had the clarity of mind was to re-read my prayer journal (not that every prayer I utter is in there, of course) but the ones where I prayed for the specific problems concerning all three of my children and my four grandchildren and my husband. I cried out to God…WHY?? Why did you ignore my prayers of safety for my children/son? I even prayed for Brandon’s “sadness”…which was most certainly more serious that just being sad. I have had to trust that God did exactly as I prayed for and that I have had to change my way of thinking as to what exactly “being safe” is….which is being with our Heavenly Father for all eternity. I have learned, too, that I have no influence on those “ordained days” of our death. We die when we are supposed to die…it matters not “how.”
My prayer life has changed dramatically…not that I don’t pray at all but now I send messages to Brandon and that I still want what God deems best for all those whom I love whether or not I agree. I mean, who am I? I praise Him (not enough) and thank Him. as I always have. You will still read my questioning throughout my posts…I guess it is only natural as a human to try to figure these things out even though it is in the Bible that “My ways are not your ways, My thoughts are not your thoughts.” I believe this is in Isaiah.
My ways are not your ways… Yes. Good verse to ruminate on when feeling doubtful. Thank you ❤
Tried 4 times to write what i was feeling when reading these, Denise. Could not put it into words. I’ll just say this: Thank you for sharing this. Beth ❤
❤