An article I read recently said year 2 for the bereaved is harder than year 1. That’s hard to believe. I can’t imagine anything more agonizing than those first 6 months especially. So I’m trying not to panic at the emptiness I’m feeling this morning. I miss you. I mean I’ve missed you for months but I don’t know that that’s been the dominant emotion. Why did you do this? Where did I fail you? This can’t be real? How do I live my life without you? Questions about the past and the future have occupied so much of my mind so far. This level of missing you hasn’t been dominant.
I think spending time with your friends these past few weeks has triggered this new layer. This layer of missing you is more ordinary. I’m not even sure what I mean by that. I’m confused. I like it when I can name my emotions. When I can explain them. I can’t seem to do that this morning.
God I turn to You. I ask for Your direction and wisdom. I ask for Your timing as I consider engaging the suicide community – the organizations, the charities, the events. There are so many hurting people. People who don’t know You. When Drey died – that very day he died – I heard You in the chaos of my shattered remains saying “for such a time as this.” I asked You repeatedly “What? What? For such a time as WHAT?” I read Esther a handful of times. I watched a teaching series from Mark Driscoll on Esther. A guest teacher at church taught on Esther. You were clearly talking to me and I thought there was something I couldn’t hear because I didn’t – and still don’t – have an answer. “For such a time as this.” Why did you lay that bible verse on my heart, mind and soul the very day Drey died? What’s the “this?” I remember sensing Your non-answer last year… “Do you trust Me?” and “Rest.” I eventually quit asking You and just obeyed what I thought I heard. Not out of my own ability – You did all the work. I did and do trust You. I did and do rest. Thank You for reminding me of how You put that verse on my mind. And thank You for Your timing.