Tag Archive | faith

Getting closer to fine…

Oct7

I dropped off David this morning. The small rock is still painted… RIP FDM. It’s been 2 months since your friends painted it. It’s lasted a long time.

I always drop David off in the mornings but this morning was harder than usual. It’s because we hit traffic and were a little late. You and I were always cutting it close to get there in time baby. Remember? Funny what a difference 9 minutes can make with my mood. I don’t want to drop David off at 7:34 or later. I’ve got to avoid that at all costs. Who knew? A drop off at 7:25 and I’m “ok” – as “ok” as I can be as I drive past the rock, the soccer field, the stop sign on the hill where I taught you to drive a standard, your parking spot. But 7:34… The shallow breathing and trembling came back all at once. No thank you.

I don’t always feel like this, Drey. Somehow I’m learning to live with the hard days with a different attitude. They make me more grateful for the lighter days.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t ache.

Today I am one day closer to seeing you again. Today I am one day closer to spending eternity with my perfect Father and lover of my soul. Is it amazing, Drey? Are you smiling? Dancing? Racing?

Dear Lord help me to take my thoughts captive to your obedience. Help me love people with Your love. Teach me every lesson possible through this suffering. My life will count. Drey’s life will count. Did count.

Who am I. God I miss him.

Oct1

My mind is swirling this morning.  It swirls in so many different directions.  I don’t understand how I got to where I am.  It’s still surreal.  When to sit in it, to contemplate it vs when to change my questions, my mindset.  Always a balancing act.  

I look at your picture taken on graduation day.  The picture of you and me.  I’m in my heels but you’re still taller than me.  You always thought you were so short.  But not to me.   How did I get here?  Why am I left with only memories of you?

This week is intense… Survivors of Suicide Group, GriefShare, speaking at the Helpline annual meeting, a meeting with Rep Anielski about the laws around Rx meds given to minors, then the Memorial Bench dedication at the zoo.  All in 4 days time.   All important things I want to do.   I was in control of the timing for the Wednesday commitments.  When I looked at Wednesday it was open so I scheduled them.  New Lesson:  Part of my “new normal” is learning to look at the entire week’s events before making plans.  Learning to consider the emotional strain of the week is important before saying “yes” to something else.

I used to do so many things all at once.  Achiever.  Accomplisher.  I got so much done in a week.  I’d run from meeting to meeting, prepare for a home church teaching, hang with friends and attend both soccer games of the week.  I wonder what the cost was?  The cost in my marriage.  The cost in my relationships.  Robbie’s told me – and I even remember – making Drey a priority in spite of other things I was responsible for.   I didn’t do this perfectly but Drey knew I loved him.  And he knew I loved the Lord.  I won’t allow the voices in my head to tell me I failed him.  Not this morning anyway.  I delighted in my boy more than anything else in my life (not that my marriage and my relationship with God shouldn’t have been first…)

Losing Drey has meant digging deep into my identity.  Deeper and deeper.  At first it was “am I still a mom?” And how do I answer the, “do you have kids” question?   Then I realized I hadn’t – and couldn’t – look at myself in the mirror.  I would look at my hair, at each eye to put makeup on.  But never at my full image.  I knew I was losing weight, I knew the dark circles under my eyes were there.  But I couldn’t bear to look.   It took about 4 months before I actually looked in the mirror at myself in total.  And all I saw staring back was Drey’s Mom.  I saw the pain of a broken woman who loved her son so dearly that she would’ve given her life for his.   It took a few more months before I could begin looking in the mirror without becoming nauseous. 

But even now – especially now –  this identity thing keeps going deeper…  “I am a daughter of the King.”  Blah blah blah.  To know this intellectually is one thing but to really get to the root belief and meaning of who I am is risky work.

I’ve KNOWN intellectually for a long time that cookies, bra’s and panties (I worked as an Executive at Cheryl’s and at Victoria’s Secret), my ability to do 20 things in a day:  attend soccer games, teach the bible, keep my house clean, go on college visits, lead DivorceCare, call a friend, buy that book for a coworker, etc. did not define who I was.  But now that those things don’t fill up my time…   I sometimes find myself feeling worthless.  So the deeper journey into CONSIDERING who I am began on August 8th, 2012.    I didn’t know it at the time.  I didn’t know much of anything on that day or for several weeks afterwards – everything was foggy.  But nonetheless God was and still is at work.  He is the ultimate multi-tasker.  Not only was He comforting me and carrying me in my grief but he was teaching me about who I was.

Fourteen months later I don’t have a new, magical answer to the “Who am I” question.   I am a daughter of the King.  I have been since 1987 when I realized I wasn’t perfect and needed a Savior – and that Savior was Jesus.  What’s different now is that the journey to CONSIDERING myself a daughter – chewing on, meditating on, ruminating on –  that I am a daughter of the King became real on August 8th, 2012.  My supposed ability to attend soccer games, clean my house, and teach the bible, were stripped from me.  I could not breathe without God.  My journey into CONSIDERING my true identity began when I realized apart from my King I was but dust.

 

 

Getting my “marketing” groove on

Sep24

I began doing some occasional work for a woman who started her own Marketing Consulting company.    I’m putting a marketing plan together for one of her clients – a Pilates studio owner.   I like Marketing – kind of.  There’s way more to it than that.  What I like is understanding what people are trying to solve for and what makes them tick.  Why did this business woman decide to buy a Pilates Studio (and not give up her day job)?  What’s she most excited about?  How would she define success a year from now, 3 years from now?  What kind of environment does she want to create for her employees and her clients?   Why should her clients choose her Studio over another?   Share your vision with me and from there I can help create a “marketing” plan – if that’s what you want to call it – to help you get there.  

Same goes for my Marketing Consulting company owner…  why does she have this company?  What does she love?  How is she setting herself up to focus on the parts of running this business that she loves while delegating or minimizing the stuff she doesn’t love, doesn’t know or doesn’t care to learn?  We started to talk about some of these things… but now I’ve slipped into helping her with something specific – the marketing plan for the Pilates chick – rather than helping her be strategic with the company as a whole.   Hmmm.  Not sure how I feel about that.

There’s a boy working at the company who’s got graphic design and online technical skills.  We worked together more today than in past weeks.  I asked him when he graduated high school.  2012.  Hmmm.  Same age as Drey.  Yes, he plays soccer, too.  I caught myself staring at him – the back of his head and neck.   I know – I sound like some weird stalker lady.   He didn’t look like Drey from the front.  Their faces are different.   But he did from the back.   My mind would drift off while he was talking to me.  What would Drey be doing if he were alive?    Would Drey be as confident as this young man in a work environment like this?  No one there knows I have a son.  Had a son?  Have a son in heaven.  They don’t know anything about my personal life.   Learning how my grief coexists with the rest of my life is an interesting journey.   Listening to people, what’s important to them, what frustrates them.  My lens is completely changed.  I’m more curious.  I’m more humble.   I’m much more in tune with discovering what’s at the root than I ever have been.  As I get out and do more I’m slowly finding what fits the “new me” and what doesn’t.   God is definitely teaching me patience through this.

Next Tuesday I have another speaking engagement… the topic is suicide.   And on Wednesday I’m meeting with State Representative Anielski for breakfast… again the topic is suicide.   I’ve met so many people in the suicide community.   I’ve learned the environment is just as dysfunctional as any other… meaning there are a handful of non-profit organizations and it isn’t always clear where one organization ends and the other begins.   I would like to work with every one of the organizations and help them learn to work together to divide and conquer.   The synergy that could come by combining the resources excites the shit out of me.  Everyone in the same room, learning to work together.  Then ongoing communication – sharing of learns.  We should all come together with this goal in mind:  Ohio will provide the best in class suicide prevention, awareness, education and postvention services.  How will we measure this?  ZERO suicides in 2014.   How’s that for a goal?  AND AND AND what we do has to be scalable… and easily replicated.   

Direct my paths, Lord.  I’ll continue to put one foot in front of the other but please, direct my paths. 

Suicide, guilt and God

Sep23

Did I contribute to my baby’s suicide?  On the one hand I think of course I did.  I was Mom.  I was responsible for him.  God was counting on me to raise an emotionally healthy boy.  Somewhere along the way I failed.  How can a parent – any parent – not feel responsible?   I worked too much.  I didn’t make Drey stay involved in church when he hit high school.  I didn’t act with urgency when I knew he was drinking.   He grew up in two homes instead of one because of my selfishness.  I didn’t pray enough.  I didn’t create a home where he wanted to bring his friends over in the high school years.   I didn’t drive to his Dad’s house that morning.  I did too much for him.  If he would’ve had to work harder for the things in his life he would’ve had more of a sense of accomplishment. 

What do I do with this knowledge?  How do I sort through true guilt from the false guilt?  

David had a bad day last Friday.  He came home and I listened as Robbie told me about their conversation.  I listened as my husband parented his son and I struggled to recall a time I was there for Drey at the end of a bad day.   How many times did I fail?  The weight of it is too much to carry.  This guilt has become a frequent companion.   I know these thoughts are not from God.  But taking my thoughts captive is very challenging sometimes.  As I’m driven repeatedly to my knees I’m learning to love my God more than ever.  A depth of love I never could have experienced apart from this depth of suffering.  He lifts the weight of this load in indescribable ways.  Ways I experience yet cannot comprehend or articulate.   I go to Him in the depths of despair and sometimes within minutes I am praising Him for hundreds of reasons all at once. 

What do I do with this knowledge?  How do I sort through true guilt from the false guilt?  I take it to God.  The One who never tires of my tears, my pain, my need for reassurance.  The One who can point me perfectly in the right direction.  The One who delights in my dependence on Him.  The One my son can now see.  God please tell Drey I love him.  I love him so.

Doubts, pain and Trazadone. Journaling from Sept 12, 16, and 17

Sep17

September 12, 2012:  “… I keep seeing pictures and moments with Drey in my mind.  They won’t stop.  I have no control.  Should I try to make them stop?  They hurt so bad.  I don’t know how to grieve.”

Sept 16, 2012:  “I’m sitting here by myself this evening.  The person who signed up for bringing dinner forgot.  People just go on with their lives.  It hurts.  It hurts that this ache I have is so deep and so real and others just forget.  You alone are my God, my Lord.  The One who will never forget.  My life feels purposeless right now.  Not because my only purpose in life was to be Drey’s Mom but because I’m so sad.  So sad.  Trying to find happiness or fun in the stupid things of this world is so wasteful.  There’s just no point.  All that matters is God.  How can I glorify You in this, Father?  How can I point others to You?  Help me to set my mind on You.  I wish I could know with even more certainty that Drey is with You, Lord.  Thank you, God, for the goal Drey scored at the Senior night soccer game.  Thank You that he prayed before the game.  Thank You for honoring his prayer.  Thank You that he told me he had prayed.  Thank You I was there to see that game.”

September 17, 2012:  “… I wish I didn’t have to take trazadone to sleep.  It makes mornings even harder.  I hurt deep down.  And then I’m foggy on top of that.  It’s a bad combination.  Drey told me he accepted You… he asked You into his heart as a little boy.  You love him perfectly.  I want to believe that he is with you now!  But I fear it’s only wishful thinking.  I have doubts.  I hate my doubts.”

Today:  Hebrews 11 says that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Sometimes it’s hard to have assurance about what we cannot see, about what we do not understand.  Drey told me he had accepted Christ as his Savior.  He confirmed that as recently as June before he died.  What more assurance does a Mom need?  Maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear?  No… that’s not it.  He told me all kinds of things a Mom does NOT want to hear!  We had a special relationship that way.  If he wasn’t sure about being a Christian he would’ve told me that, too.  He tweeted a cool bible verse graduation weekend.  He prayed – and what’s even more cool is that he remembered that he prayed and God played a role – that night at his soccer game.  I see from really old journals where I made comments about him reading his bible and praying for his friends.   So again – what more assurance does a Mom need?  Isn’t that enough evidence of the Holy Spirit’s presence.  But I want more assurance.  I want God to stand before me and tell me He’s got my baby.  It’s not that I think suicide is an unforgivable sin.  It’s that I didn’t know my baby’s heart like God did when he made this decision.  Did he really, really, really, truly mean it? 

God loved my son more than I did.  Verse after verse makes that clear to me.

God please help me in my unbelief.  Help me to trust You.

The balancing act of the mind after a suicide

Sep12

When dealing with a difficult, challenging situation I like to have as much information as possible.
However that’s not how I’ve handled my baby’s death. There are plenty of details available. But some of them are locked away – in someone else’s mind, in an envelope, in Drey’s iPhone sitting safely on his dresser.
It’s humbling to know others know more around my baby’s frame of mind, his actions, in those final hours. As his Mom it’s my job to be the most informed, isn’t it? My ex-husband, my husband, the police. Some friends too. They all know things I don’t know. Have I failed you by not learning every single thing I could, baby? But but but but…
But sometimes guarding my heart is more important than gathering more details.
But Philippians 4:8 says “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
But I AM the most informed about his life. His LIFE.
But I am informed about where he is now.
God, help me to rest in what I know.

Last Years journal: Sept 4 and 6

Sep5
Photo collage 2 - Drey's Memorial

Photo collage 2 – Drey’s Memorial

Photo collage 1 - Drey's Memorial

Photo collage 1 – Drey’s Memorial

Reading last years journaling… it had been just 4 weeks since Drey’s death.  My writing was all over the place.  I was in physical pain, I was consumed with guilt, I was irritated, and I was aware of God’s presence.   I kept a list of when I took medicine because I was always losing track.  Excedrin, ibuprofen and a few Rx meds were my constant companions.  I could feel the pain deep down into my bones.  I didn’t know how to make the ache stop.  I thought I was going to die.

I prayed to the Holy Spirit a lot – not just to God.   Hold me, comfort me, speak to me.  Please.  I know You are here with me.  Please help me.  Please hold me.  Please tell me I’m going to be okay.  Please tell me I’ll wake up soon.  Please tell me it’s not real.  Please no it can’t be.   Please take me to heaven now.  Please – I can’t live like this.  I can’t.

In hindsight I can see where people were with me often.    I suppose they talked about me being suicidal and wanted to make sure I was safe.   I didn’t know it at the time.  I was in a fog.  I vacillated between pulling weeds and sobbing uncontrollably.   I had no concept of time.  I would sit for hours in silence without even realizing so much time had passed.   I remember doing the photo boards for Drey’s memorial service.  I cut every picture exactly how I wanted it.  I placed each one carefully on the board with just the right amount of 2-sided foam tape.  I spent hours on them.  I didn’t want help – I was disgusted by the idea.  This was my baby.  This was my job now.  I remember one of the first times Robbie made me laugh… he looked at me and said, “you know honey you’re not going to get a grade on your photo boards.”   Creating these boards with just the right pictures in just the right location was the most important thing in the world to me for those few days before his memorial service. 

I remember experiencing God’s presence,  His peace, even in the midst of the pain.  My journal captured some of it through my gratefulness… “Thank You, God, for all Your blessings.  I am able to be grateful in spite of these circumstances.  I know Your Spirit is at work in me.  I am humbled beyond words that You love me.  I am awestruck at just how big, capable and omniscient You are!”   Who has those feelings and can write about them less than a month after their baby was found dead?  No mother is capable.  Surely it was God at work in me.  I was dead to myself.  I had nothing to give.  On my own I was barely capable of a single cohesive thought.  Truly God was carrying me.

Maybe it’s not wise for me to go back and look at my journaling from last year.   It’s hard.   I have expectations on myself that since it’s been a year I should be able to look at a video of Drey, look at pictures of him that have been stored away, look at cards people sent last year.  But I haven’t been able to do any of those things.  And maybe the journal is a bit much, too.

 

Last years journal: Aug 30 and Sep 1.

Sep2

I began journaling just 22 days after Drey died.  Some days I didn’t have much to write at all – other days I couldn’t write enough.  Writing engages a different part of my brain.  It forces me to think more deeply and more deliberately.  As I look at what I wrote last year there are some things I just can’t share.  I had planned to take everything from my journal and put it into this blog. But some of it’s just too personal, too sacred. The groaning was truly too deep for words. 

Despair, anguish, heart wrenching, sickening, ache, gagging, heavy, dark, lonely, fear, all consuming, no escape and suffocating.    These were the words I attempted to use to describe how I was feeling.  But those words sound shallow and superficial.  The pain was acute.  Eating, moving and even breathing were no longer things that came naturally to me… they were a deliberate choice.   I didn’t think I would live.   I was sure I would die of a broken heart.     I praise God for bringing me to where I am today – a year later.

This Saturday Delaware and Morrow counties are hosting their 3rd annual suicide prevention and awareness walk.   One of my new friends who also lost her son to suicide (it’s amazing how we find each other) will be speaking at the event and she’s asked me to join her and to speak as well.   The topic will be personal sharing and a message on hope.   Kim has an amazing personal story to share about this journey.   It will be hard not to cry.   I’m sure she wants to honor Nick the same way I want to honor Drey.  We want our boys to be proud of us. 

I’m not certain of what I want to say yet.   I do know that in the midst of this pain I have hope.   True hope.  Not just wishy washy fingers crossed hope.   According to the Greek and Hebrew translation & it’s biblical usage the word “hope” is an indication of certainty. A “strong and confident expectation.”   What I’ve come to learn through personal experience is that hope is not a feeling.  Hope is a choice.   I didn’t feel hope in the weeks or even months that followed Drey’s death.   But I knew this wasn’t the end of Drey’s story.   And I knew God was still at work.   He did not cause this tragedy but it did not catch Him by surprise.   I had to choose to believe what I knew intellectually to be true. My feelings needed to take their rightful place no matter how loud they were screaming.   My feelings were not the truth.  Sometimes God gave me feelings of calm and peace in the midst of the shock and despair. Wow – that was amazing. Sometimes He still does that. Sometimes the feelings aren’t there. But the absence of feeling hope does not make biblical truth – biblical hope – any less real.

In addition to learning that hope is not a feeling but a choice – I’ve also learned it is an ACTIVE choice. A mindset that is accompanied with ACTIONS of hope. Being part of other people’s lives especially when they’re hurting, being part of a suicide prevention fundraising Walk team, crying out to God in spite of my uncertainty. These are actions of hope. Actions of confident expectation that the Lord is at work in spite of what I don’t see or feel.

Psalm 31:24. “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” The verse becomes even more REAL for me when I say it this way, “Be strong and take heart, all you whose certainty is in the Lord.” or “Be strong and take heart, all you who have strong and confident expectation in the Lord.” This hope is mine! God says so! Yes!

A year ago it was Drey’s Memorial Service 8/18/12

Aug18

Last year at this exact moment I was getting ready to leave for my son’s memorial service. It’s pretty unreal to think of that. In some ways I think I’m still in shock. Learning to live this new life I didn’t ask for – learning to integrate my baby’s death into my life – well it’s taking quite a while.

But I’m not crying this morning. I’m melancholy and reflective but I’m not distraught. Part of learning to live this new life is accepting that I can’t stay in the depths of despair that I was in the first several months after his death. Sometimes I welcome that realization. Other times it’s gross. How can I just go on with my life? Isn’t being distraught somehow “the right thing to do” if I really loved Drey? Learning the answer to that question is “no” is an ongoing lesson.

So why aren’t I experiencing the ongoing gut wrenching grief that dominated my life for so long? Truly, what do I have to live for? Yes I love my husband, my parents, my stepson, my friends. Yes I am blessed. But is that what I live for? No. Sadly I’ve learned my loved ones can be taken away in a second. I have a great home. Oh I know – I have my health. Hmmmm… for how long? Nope – I can’t place my hope there either. My hope is in God. My hope is in eternity. This life is not all there is. I love the one parable in Matthew and how it concludes… Matthew 25:23 shows that God praises us for when we allow Him to work through us. He does the work – but we get the praise! “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!'” Can you imagine hearing those words when you are face to face with our perfect God? That is where I place my hope. In knowing I can delight my God as I chose to depend on Him. Not to earn His acceptance – that’s already a done deal because of Christ. But I have hope because He loves me. It gives me motivation to love others. I want my life to count for His glory. I feel it so deeply sometimes. I feel it so deeply now. I can’t help but to smile! Yes, my pain will remain for a while longer. I have made a very, very large deposit into heaven and since I’m still here I will ache. But I have joy, too! Yes. This moment I have joy! I’m learning to treasure these moments and to praise God for them. I may be crying in an hour… but for right now I have joy!

I started this post a bit sad and melancholy. But as I read that scripture and prayed throughout my typing my sadness transformed to joy even if just for a moment! I experience joy because of the sunshine, my dogs, my iPhone and even my purple nail polish. I experience joy for simple things BECAUSE I have my hope in God. These past few weeks I’ve experienced joy because of Drey’s friends and how they honor him, love him, and remember him. Look at the below page from the 2013 TWHS yearbook… what a blessing! Thank you Bethaney, thank you everyone! I love what you wrote about Drey. It’s always what I’ve thought about him – but I’m Mom. I’m biased! To read how you felt about Drey meant so much! And for it to be included in such a permanent place – thank you!

Yes, Drey graduated in 2012. But the wonderful Thomas Worthington High School 2013 folks included this page in the yearbook . Blessed!

Yes, Drey graduated in 2012. But the wonderful Thomas Worthington High School 2013 folks included this page in the yearbook . Blessed!

You know my pain

Aug8

Dear Heavenly Father I ache, I hurt. You know the battle in my mind. The battle I don’t want to write or talk about. You know the depths. God I want to thank you and praise you even in the midst of this grossness. Not for what happened. Dear God no, not for what happened. But because this isn’t the end of Drey’s story.

But God to have him back. Right here. On this couch. “Scratch my back Mom.” Just typing his name, breathing his name, opens the floodgate.

You alone know this battle. You are my redeemer, the perfect lover of my soul. You know. I’m not alone in this loneliness. Your Spirit speaks to my family, my friends and even to strangers. You reach me through them. You hear my heart. You hear their prayers. You comfort. You protect. Thank you for knowing my pain.