Tag Archive | suicide

Doubts, pain and Trazadone. Journaling from Sept 12, 16, and 17

September 12, 2012: “… I keep seeing pictures and moments with Drey in my mind. They won’t stop. I have no control. Should I try to make them stop? They hurt so bad. I don’t know how to grieve.”

Sept 16, 2012: “I’m sitting here by myself this evening. The person who signed up for bringing dinner forgot. People just go on with their lives. It hurts. It hurts that this ache I have is so deep and so real and others just forget. You alone are my God, my Lord. The One who will never forget. My life feels purposeless right now. Not because my only purpose in life was to be Drey’s Mom but because I’m so sad. So sad. Trying to find happiness or fun in the stupid things of this world is so wasteful. There’s just no point. All that matters is God. How can I glorify You in this, Father? How can I point others to You? Help me to set my mind on You. I wish I could know with even more certainty that Drey is with You, Lord. Thank you, God, for the goal Drey scored at the Senior night soccer game. Thank You that he prayed before the game. Thank You for honoring his prayer. Thank You that he told me he had prayed. Thank You I was there to see that game.”

September 17, 2012: “… I wish I didn’t have to take trazadone to sleep. It makes mornings even harder. I hurt deep down. And then I’m foggy on top of that. It’s a bad combination. Drey told me he accepted You… he asked You into his heart as a little boy. You love him perfectly. I want to believe that he is with you now! But I fear it’s only wishful thinking. I have doubts. I hate my doubts.”

Today: Hebrews 11 says that faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Sometimes it’s hard to have assurance about what we cannot see, about what we do not understand. Drey told me he had accepted Christ as his Savior. He confirmed that as recently as June before he died. What more assurance does a Mom need? Maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear? No… that’s not it. He told me all kinds of things a Mom does NOT want to hear! We had a special relationship that way. If he wasn’t sure about being a Christian he would’ve told me that, too. He tweeted a cool bible verse graduation weekend. He prayed – and what’s even more cool is that he remembered that he prayed and God played a role – that night at his soccer game. I see from really old journals where I made comments about him reading his bible and praying for his friends. So again – what more assurance does a Mom need? Isn’t that enough evidence of the Holy Spirit’s presence. But I want more assurance. I want God to stand before me and tell me He’s got my baby. It’s not that I think suicide is an unforgivable sin. It’s that I didn’t know my baby’s heart like God did when he made this decision. Did he really, really, really, truly mean it?

God loved my son more than I did. Verse after verse makes that clear to me.

God please help me in my unbelief. Help me to trust You.

The balancing act of the mind after a suicide

Sep12

When dealing with a difficult, challenging situation I like to have as much information as possible.
However that’s not how I’ve handled my baby’s death. There are plenty of details available. But some of them are locked away – in someone else’s mind, in an envelope, in Drey’s iPhone sitting safely on his dresser.
It’s humbling to know others know more around my baby’s frame of mind, his actions, in those final hours. As his Mom it’s my job to be the most informed, isn’t it? My ex-husband, my husband, the police. Some friends too. They all know things I don’t know. Have I failed you by not learning every single thing I could, baby? But but but but…
But sometimes guarding my heart is more important than gathering more details.
But Philippians 4:8 says “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”
But I AM the most informed about his life. His LIFE.
But I am informed about where he is now.
God, help me to rest in what I know.

Last years journal: Sept 8

Sep9

Last year: Well, it’s been a month. I don’t know what words to use to explain how I feel. Exhausted. I don’t want it to be real. I want to be with you. God help me to grieve your way. Help me to depend on you, I can’t always set my mind on the things above. I never can. God even this pen I’m trying to write with feels too heavy. I have nothing. Nothing but tears. God I pray for Mom & Gene’s protection as they drive on vacation. I thank you that my Mom has accepted the gift of Your son. Everything is so foggy in my head.

Today: Well, it’s been 13 months and 1 day. I still don’t know what words to use to explain how I feel. Confused I suppose. I still don’t want it to be real. And I still want to be with you, Drey. I look at pictures of your smiling face – what a great smile! It warms my heart to see that smile but at the same time it breaks me. Bethaney posted some pics I’d never seen of you on FB. You were so loved. You had so many friends. I will never understand why you did this. I don’t ask the “why” question as often as I did but it still lingers.

We have a new dog… his name is Duke. You would’ve liked him. He’s a cuddler. David’s birthday is today. He’s 15. You’re missing everything.

I’m attending a 2-day conference this week. It’s about suicide and engaging the bereaved. The speakers and topics look really interesting. This conference is a far cry from the retail and business conferences I’ve attended in the past. Life sure is different now. Family Needs Following a Suicide of a Teenager, Impact of Language on Survivors of Loss, Carrying the Grief of Suicide: Reaching out to Survivors Across the Lifespan. State Representative Marlene Anielski will be there – I’m looking forward to meeting her. She just championed the passage of the Jason Flatt Act here in Ohio… now educators, guidance counselors, etc. are required to get Suicide Prevention training. It’s the law. I want to understand who’s responsible for implementing that training. Is it just at the high school level? What about private and charter schools – are they required as well? What’s supposed to be included in the training? And I want to hear their plan for making it happen with deliverable dates. I can hear you teasing me, Drey… “Mom’s kicked into work mode again.” Yea – I hear myself, too. Perhaps I’m trying to take responsibility for something that isn’t mine to take. But I want to know what the implementation plan is for good and right reasons.

I ask God a lot what I could be doing. What would glorify Him. We moved to Franklinton to invest in an impoverished community. We wanted people to know about His love. Then you died. Now I think about the suicide community and who’s at risk. Generally it’s not people in Franklinton. It’s the middle-class – especially middle-aged men, it’s the military, it’s those who have been directly impacted by a suicide loss, it’s the glbt community, it’s teens. My heart goes out to those who have lost someone – so my focus has been on the bereaved. But as I engage more in the suicide community I’m drawn to prevention opportunities, too, specifically with teenagers and young adults. What does any of this suicide stuff have to do with Franklinton? I try to tell myself just because we live here doesn’t mean our ministry has to be here. But that was our plan… wasn’t it Yours, God? We prayed A LOT. We got input A LOT. So we moved. But then life happened in a major way. Now what? I guess because I may be drawn to a different ministry that doesn’t mean we have to move back to the suburbs. I can be such a black and white thinker – I wish I were more comfortable in the gray area. There are so many creative, out of the box things You may be doing. God help me to have a mindset of confident expectation of what is next! I know You’ve prepared good works for me.

And then there’s this business of a job… again – my black and white thinking kicks in. I’ve got it in my head that I must figure out what ministry looks like go forward before I decide what career to move towards. If I land in a ministry that takes up a big part of my time it’ll impact the # of hours I put towards my career. Can my ministry and career be one in the same? I don’t know if I could fill a role in the suicide community as my job. That feels like it’d be a lot – maybe too heavy for me emotionally. Will I care in a year as much as I do today about the suicide community? What’s just a phase vs. a true change in direction?

A day at a time. You are good, God. You know how dense and stubborn I can be. You also know I love You. Help me to rest in Your timing and help me to trust I will hear You. I praise You that I’m able to take this time and rest. I praise You for Robbie’s job. You have provided for us in so many ways. God thank You for bringing Mom & Gene home safely from last years September vacation. God help me to be grateful rather than only asking for more, more, more. Your timing, Lord.

http://www.ohiohouse.gov/marlene-anielski/press/rep-anielski-holds-press-conference-on-youth-suicide-prevention

Last Years journal: Sept 4 and 6

Sep5

Photo collage 2 – Drey’s Memorial

Photo collage 1 – Drey’s Memorial

Reading last years journaling… it had been just 4 weeks since Drey’s death. My writing was all over the place. I was in physical pain, I was consumed with guilt, I was irritated, and I was aware of God’s presence. I kept a list of when I took medicine because I was always losing track. Excedrin, ibuprofen and a few Rx meds were my constant companions. I could feel the pain deep down into my bones. I didn’t know how to make the ache stop. I thought I was going to die.

I prayed to the Holy Spirit a lot – not just to God. Hold me, comfort me, speak to me. Please. I know You are here with me. Please help me. Please hold me. Please tell me I’m going to be okay. Please tell me I’ll wake up soon. Please tell me it’s not real. Please no it can’t be. Please take me to heaven now. Please – I can’t live like this. I can’t.

In hindsight I can see where people were with me often. I suppose they talked about me being suicidal and wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t know it at the time. I was in a fog. I vacillated between pulling weeds and sobbing uncontrollably. I had no concept of time. I would sit for hours in silence without even realizing so much time had passed. I remember doing the photo boards for Drey’s memorial service. I cut every picture exactly how I wanted it. I placed each one carefully on the board with just the right amount of 2-sided foam tape. I spent hours on them. I didn’t want help – I was disgusted by the idea. This was my baby. This was my job now. I remember one of the first times Robbie made me laugh… he looked at me and said, “you know honey you’re not going to get a grade on your photo boards.” Creating these boards with just the right pictures in just the right location was the most important thing in the world to me for those few days before his memorial service.

I remember experiencing God’s presence, His peace, even in the midst of the pain. My journal captured some of it through my gratefulness… “Thank You, God, for all Your blessings. I am able to be grateful in spite of these circumstances. I know Your Spirit is at work in me. I am humbled beyond words that You love me. I am awestruck at just how big, capable and omniscient You are!” Who has those feelings and can write about them less than a month after their baby was found dead? No mother is capable. Surely it was God at work in me. I was dead to myself. I had nothing to give. On my own I was barely capable of a single cohesive thought. Truly God was carrying me.

Maybe it’s not wise for me to go back and look at my journaling from last year. It’s hard. I have expectations on myself that since it’s been a year I should be able to look at a video of Drey, look at pictures of him that have been stored away, look at cards people sent last year. But I haven’t been able to do any of those things. And maybe the journal is a bit much, too.

Last years journal: Aug 30 and Sep 1.

Sep2

I began journaling just 22 days after Drey died. Some days I didn’t have much to write at all – other days I couldn’t write enough. Writing engages a different part of my brain. It forces me to think more deeply and more deliberately. As I look at what I wrote last year there are some things I just can’t share. I had planned to take everything from my journal and put it into this blog. But some of it’s just too personal, too sacred. The groaning was truly too deep for words.

Despair, anguish, heart wrenching, sickening, ache, gagging, heavy, dark, lonely, fear, all consuming, no escape and suffocating. These were the words I attempted to use to describe how I was feeling. But those words sound shallow and superficial. The pain was acute. Eating, moving and even breathing were no longer things that came naturally to me… they were a deliberate choice. I didn’t think I would live. I was sure I would die of a broken heart. I praise God for bringing me to where I am today – a year later.

This Saturday Delaware and Morrow counties are hosting their 3rd annual suicide prevention and awareness walk. One of my new friends who also lost her son to suicide (it’s amazing how we find each other) will be speaking at the event and she’s asked me to join her and to speak as well. The topic will be personal sharing and a message on hope. Kim has an amazing personal story to share about this journey. It will be hard not to cry. I’m sure she wants to honor Nick the same way I want to honor Drey. We want our boys to be proud of us.

I’m not certain of what I want to say yet. I do know that in the midst of this pain I have hope. True hope. Not just wishy washy fingers crossed hope. According to the Greek and Hebrew translation & it’s biblical usage the word “hope” is an indication of certainty. A “strong and confident expectation.” What I’ve come to learn through personal experience is that hope is not a feeling. Hope is a choice. I didn’t feel hope in the weeks or even months that followed Drey’s death. But I knew this wasn’t the end of Drey’s story. And I knew God was still at work. He did not cause this tragedy but it did not catch Him by surprise. I had to choose to believe what I knew intellectually to be true. My feelings needed to take their rightful place no matter how loud they were screaming. My feelings were not the truth. Sometimes God gave me feelings of calm and peace in the midst of the shock and despair. Wow – that was amazing. Sometimes He still does that. Sometimes the feelings aren’t there. But the absence of feeling hope does not make biblical truth – biblical hope – any less real.

In addition to learning that hope is not a feeling but a choice – I’ve also learned it is an ACTIVE choice. A mindset that is accompanied with ACTIONS of hope. Being part of other people’s lives especially when they’re hurting, being part of a suicide prevention fundraising Walk team, crying out to God in spite of my uncertainty. These are actions of hope. Actions of confident expectation that the Lord is at work in spite of what I don’t see or feel.

Psalm 31:24. “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” The verse becomes even more REAL for me when I say it this way, “Be strong and take heart, all you whose certainty is in the Lord.” or “Be strong and take heart, all you who have strong and confident expectation in the Lord.” This hope is mine! God says so! Yes!

SOS groups

Aug27

Robbie and I attended our second Survivor of Suicide (SOS) group Sunday evening. Our first one was at a different location. There are 3 that meet around Central Columbus – each one meets just once a month. It’s still surreal for us. As we got ready, locked up the house and headed towards the car we paused and looked at each other knowingly. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “welcome to our new fuckin life.”

I liked this second group we went to – I didn’t like the first one. The facilitator’s of the first group didn’t introduce themselves or share why they were leading an SOS group. Who does that? I want to know what you’re doing here… are you here just because it’s your job? Because you’ve read in some book about suicide grief? If so, I ain’t interested in listening to you. I normally would’ve asked how they had been impacted by suicide but I was especially pissy that evening so it was best I kept my mouth shut. I’m getting irritated just thinking about the leaders lack of eye contact as people were sharing their stories. Yuck.

The group we attended just a few days ago that I liked was run much differently. The leaders introduced themselves, they provided beverages, snackage, and free reading materials. We all shared who we lost, when we lost them, and if we were able how we lost them (no thank you). Then we talked a bit about “the first year” since there were 3 of us (me & Robbie + one other person) who were just at the 1-year mark. Everyone else there was 3+ years ahead of us in this grief journey. The leaders had each lost a son to suicide. It was nice to know why they were there.

When the group was over one woman asked me how I had survived a whole year without coming to an SOS support group. I got to share – once again – about what a wonderful church family I have. That’s such a foreign concept to the people I’ve met at these groups. Sometimes I just want to gather them all up in my arms and tell ’em how much Christ loves them and that there are normal people out there who love the Lord and want to do life with them!

As a survivor there’s a bond that’s present when I meet other people who have suffered a loss to suicide. Our pain is all unique but there are commonalities. One of the women had lost her boyfriend to suicide and she shared that just a few weeks ago her best friend died, too, but not from suicide. She said dealing with her best friend’s death has been so different. “So this is what it’s like to grieve more normally,” she said. “I don’t have to feel shame, responsibility or guilt in addition to all the sadness, pain and loneliness.” I was glad she shared that.

As we walked to our car Robbie & I agreed we’d go back to that group next month.

I’m supposed to be happy today. I’m not. Therefore I suck.

Aug25

I’m all over the place with my thoughts and emotions today. I hate this. From peace and excitement to dread and anger. It’s painful. It’s confusing.

I got to baptize someone this morning… what a wonderful honor and privilege to be part of Debbi’s life as she learns more about God. So it was an emotional morning… listening to people’s testimonies is always so amazing. But like so many things it’s different now… Now I listen to a 20 something year old’s testimony through a different lens. He wore shoes like Drey. He was a few years older than Drey. He was built like Drey. He’d gotten into some of the same trouble Drey had got into. But this young man chose a different path from Drey. And he was standing there right before my eyes thanking his parents for always being there for him – and they baptized him. My heart was heavy with grief as I quietly wept and announced silently in my mind that I sacrificed so much to YOU GOD! I’ve given up so much. I won’t get to baptize Drey. I don’t even get to see him. Period. And I feel the anger swell up and it’s directed at YOU. YOU allowed this to happen. Damn it. There aren’t words.

When I’m triggered like this and these feeling show up I can’t always tuck them neatly away. God has brought me so far in learning how to handle Drey’s death, his suicide. So, so far. I mean, it’s not like I go for hours without thinking of Drey. He is on my mind regularly. So I’m triggered a lot but can fairly often stay “in check” and in the moment without spiraling.

I continued on with interacting with people throughout the morning… so many happy people. Sometimes I’m happy. But when I’m not it’s REALLY HARD when others are. I was irritable, hurt, sad, lonely and mostly angry with myself for not being able to be happy. No one can possibly understand the depths of this pain. This wasn’t just a normal death – if there even is such as thing. Why do I feel I must defend myself? Explain myself? Yea – I’m sad. My life has been shattered and I’m still figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other. Why can’t I just give myself some slack and rest in knowing I don’t have to have the answers. I don’t have 100% control of when the despair portion of this grief wants to resurface. I’m still learning how to walk this out. It is what it is. And I try to tell myself I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

My son is dead. My son took his life. Jesus God I don’t know how I got here.

Not a tear will be wasted

Aug24

I received my last daily GriefShare email today. Hard to believe I’ve read 365 of them already. It feels like closure receiving that last one. Only there’s not closure.

I praise You God as I continue turning my new life over to You because You promise not a single tear will be wasted. I didn’t ask for this sorrow but I sure as hell want to learn every single thing I possibly can from it. No tear wasted.

One of my dear friends was over recently and she confessed that she went through a stage where she was asking You for her old friend back. It was hard to hear. It was humbling because I was once again reminded there’s no snapping out of this and going back to “normal.” I know I’m different in many ways. She said “but I like this new, softer, Denise.” I believe her. I am blessed to have her by my side.

My life is not my own. It belongs to You. It always has. I’m just more aware and cooperative these days.

GriefShare email:
Run to God
Day 365

Your recovery from grief is likely not complete, but we pray that you are encouraged to grow forward on your journey. We wish God’s best for you.

“The greatest and deepest Christians I’ve ever met are not the ones with the advanced degrees and not the ones who are always happy and cheerful, but they are people who have found God to be faithful in the worst moments of life,” says Dr. Ray Pritchard. “Instead of running away from God, they ran toward Him. And they know things about God that the rest of us haven’t yet experienced.”

Run to God, and praise His name.

First day of school

Aug21

These past several days I’ve seen so many pictures and posts about first days of school and moves to college. ‘Tis the season. Time keeps marching on. New memories are being made. It hits me at different times that my memories of Drey have a beginning and an end. There won’t be any new ones.

Robbie is on his way home with David… he started his freshman year this week at Thomas. I want to be happy… I want to hear about his classes, about band. I want to celebrate alongside Robbie these very important milestones in his son’s life. Sometimes I can. This is such a complicated journey for us. David told Robbie a few months ago he didn’t understand why Drey did this. He said him & Drey were just starting to hang out together. He was right. Drey was usually too cool for his stepbrother that was 5 years his junior. But the last year of Drey’s life he was hanging out more with David. I guess the 5 year age gap was more tolerable once David was 13. David reflected on how him & Drey did stuff together while we were on vacation – just a few months before Drey died. Trips to the gas station for candy, the arcade room, swimming. Sometimes I feel guilty for what I’ve done to David… like somehow my baby’s choice was my fault. David didn’t ask for this. He didn’t want to carry this tragedy the rest of his life. None of us did. Staying focused on what I’m responsible for – and not picking up add’l responsibility – has never really been my strength. So I choose to give it back to God. Sometimes daily – and sometimes moment by moment. It’s too heavy for me to carry.

First day of school – 1st grade and 6th grade. I treasure this memory.

A year ago it was Drey’s Memorial Service 8/18/12

Aug18

Last year at this exact moment I was getting ready to leave for my son’s memorial service. It’s pretty unreal to think of that. In some ways I think I’m still in shock. Learning to live this new life I didn’t ask for – learning to integrate my baby’s death into my life – well it’s taking quite a while.

But I’m not crying this morning. I’m melancholy and reflective but I’m not distraught. Part of learning to live this new life is accepting that I can’t stay in the depths of despair that I was in the first several months after his death. Sometimes I welcome that realization. Other times it’s gross. How can I just go on with my life? Isn’t being distraught somehow “the right thing to do” if I really loved Drey? Learning the answer to that question is “no” is an ongoing lesson.

So why aren’t I experiencing the ongoing gut wrenching grief that dominated my life for so long? Truly, what do I have to live for? Yes I love my husband, my parents, my stepson, my friends. Yes I am blessed. But is that what I live for? No. Sadly I’ve learned my loved ones can be taken away in a second. I have a great home. Oh I know – I have my health. Hmmmm… for how long? Nope – I can’t place my hope there either. My hope is in God. My hope is in eternity. This life is not all there is. I love the one parable in Matthew and how it concludes… Matthew 25:23 shows that God praises us for when we allow Him to work through us. He does the work – but we get the praise! “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!'” Can you imagine hearing those words when you are face to face with our perfect God? That is where I place my hope. In knowing I can delight my God as I chose to depend on Him. Not to earn His acceptance – that’s already a done deal because of Christ. But I have hope because He loves me. It gives me motivation to love others. I want my life to count for His glory. I feel it so deeply sometimes. I feel it so deeply now. I can’t help but to smile! Yes, my pain will remain for a while longer. I have made a very, very large deposit into heaven and since I’m still here I will ache. But I have joy, too! Yes. This moment I have joy! I’m learning to treasure these moments and to praise God for them. I may be crying in an hour… but for right now I have joy!

I started this post a bit sad and melancholy. But as I read that scripture and prayed throughout my typing my sadness transformed to joy even if just for a moment! I experience joy because of the sunshine, my dogs, my iPhone and even my purple nail polish. I experience joy for simple things BECAUSE I have my hope in God. These past few weeks I’ve experienced joy because of Drey’s friends and how they honor him, love him, and remember him. Look at the below page from the 2013 TWHS yearbook… what a blessing! Thank you Bethaney, thank you everyone! I love what you wrote about Drey. It’s always what I’ve thought about him – but I’m Mom. I’m biased! To read how you felt about Drey meant so much! And for it to be included in such a permanent place – thank you!

Yes, Drey graduated in 2012. But the wonderful Thomas Worthington High School 2013 folks included this page in the yearbook . Blessed!

A Friend on the Walk

Living after losing someone to suicide